Chicken Soup For Assholes

The explanation and so forth is at the bottom.  Let’s get into the meat of the matter first.  For your own good.

Newest to Oldest:

186.  Amber Boch is popular with the pagans.  That’s where the slogan “Wiccans were made for Michelob.”
185.  If you think government is the answer, you’re asking the wrong fucking questions.
184.  See, I didn’t know if I should divulge this.  I was in the military.  The Salvation Army, Special Forces.  I did Black Ops for them.  Later, I became a sniper.  I know 87 ways to kill a man with a kettle.  Everyone in our unit has a tattoo:  “Ask not for whom the bell tolls.”
183.  A lifetime delivering pizza is much like the movie “Ground Hog’s Day” where Bill Murray lived the same day over and over and over again.
Except, in the end, there’s no big moral lesson, no change of heart for the hero or clarity of understanding, no resolution of all past wrongs or an underlying sense of understanding for all humanity as he has grown to become a better person.
In fact–now that I think about it–except for the repetition, drudgery, and delusions of grandeur alternating with thoughts of suicide, it’s more like the opposite of that.
182.  You are not “eclectic.”  You’re weird and stupid.
181.  The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.  And zombies.
-FDR
180.  It’s a fine line between being a hopeless romantic and a sexual predator.
179.  What if you were just starting out as an evil villain and you needed an army of henchman?  You haven’t pulled your first big gig yet (steal a nuke and hold it for ransom, or large diamond heist, or electronic banking tomfoolery) so you can’t afford to pay much for henchman and minions and so forth.  Or a lair?  Where is your first lair?
Your best bet is an abandon warehouse in a bad part of town.  All of your first henchman would be homeless people, most of which have mental illness.  It’s not until you start to be successful at it that you first start using a temp agency (“Minion-Temps” or “Hench-People, Inc.”), and then after you have some capital, you have an HR department and can offer benefits and so forth, that you can hire a headhunter to bring in some real talent.  But since they work for you in your evil lair, they are an evil HR department.  This is kind of redundant.
178.  Folklore tales are just really old urban legends.
177.  The best thing about working in a cubicle is that it gives you more privacy so you can cry at your desk.
176.  If you think your life is difficult now, imagine how worse it would be, if, on top of everything else, you were being chased by giant robots.
175.  Ambiguity is a procrastinator’s best friend.
174.  For psychology, in terms of research into the realm of personality types, there is probably more data on narcissists than any other archetype.
173.  I want to be taken seriously.  For my comedy.
172.  I was hired because I’m pretty, not because I’m smart.
171.  Robert Plant is getting old…and I fear he might die before someone makes him tell us EXACTLY what some of those Zeppelin lyrics are.
170.  If you rely on technology, they you are fucked without it.  This is actually a corollary of “Live by the sword, die by the sword.”
169.  Kareem Abdul Jabar would make a really tall zombie.
168.  Relationships are all about compromise, like when I wanted to have sex but my GF didn’t, so we compromised and didn’t have sex.  Then I fucked her while she was sleeping.
But that leads me to this:
Why is the one person in a relationship who wants the LEAST amount of sex in charge of how much sex is being had?  It’s like putting a deaf person in charge of making a mix tape for your road trip.
167.  For Fuck’s sake, writing is like masturbation:
Do it alone.
Don’t let anyone see you.
Focus on the task at hand.
Use your imagination.
Fondle the balls.
Don’t brag about it when you’re done.
166.  I started smoking at the age of 41, because logically, at this point I’ll die of something else before smoking kills me.
Scientifically, it is said that nicotine is as hard to beat as heroin.  But I’d rather be a heroin addict, because it doesn’t carry the stigma that smoking cigarettes does.
I can go all day without a smoke if I’m busy and working.  But as soon as I want to quit, I can’t go an hour without it.
All in all, I’d rather be a sex addict.
165.  “My horoscope said I will soon find the love of my life.”
“Really?  My horoscope said that believing in astrology is a waste of time that will rot your brain, much like having any sort of conversation with you.”
164.  Gay men are generally good-looking, or at least they try to be.  That’s because they have to be, to attract other men.  Why?  Because men (even gay men) are shallow and superficial.  For all their supposed “sensitivity” and what-have-you, gay men are only attracted to *good-looking* guys.  Men are pigs, even gay men.  But not me; I have emotional *depth.* I’ll take an ugly woman over a good-looking man any day, because I’m not shallow.
163.  I wake up every morning with this thought:  where the hell am I, and what am I doing here…and what is my name?
162.  I saw someone with a shirt that said, “Question Everything.”  And I said, “Why?”
161.  The main reason I don’t believe in numerology is that dates are arbitrary settings.  Unless there is an absolute date we can start from–something like STP–standard temperature and pressure–then numbers assigned to dates are meaningless.
160.  Scotland has more “death by sword” than any other country.
159.  What my dad taught me about driving:
There are no “perfect” road conditions.
The first rain after a long dry spell loosens up oil in the road, and makes it slick as shit.
Snow is not hard to drive in.  Just watch your ass.
Ice is another matter entirely.  When it’s icy, don’t drive any faster than you want to hit something.
Good tires and good brakes (and common sense) are far more important than four-wheel drive.
Cut the other guy a break.  But watch out for him–for the same reason:  he’s a just a dumbass.
158.  You-Tube is to America’s Funniest Home Videos as the Bubonic Plague is to a cold.
157.  And so Pooh-Bear, who had been held hostage by his own existential crisis, decided he would much rather have a bagel with cream cheese than wallow in self-pity.
“Carbohydrates may kill me,” he thought, “but Stockholm Syndrome with the voices in my head gives me heartburn of the soul.”
156.  I know I should try to see people as more than just obstacles to my success…
But what if that’s all they really are?
155.  Never say “never?”  How about “Always Say Maybe”?
154.  Hold me closer, Hula dancer.
153.  Yes, I swing both ways.  I’m both manic and depressive.
152.  The Mounds in Cahokia are the remains of highway overpasses that the ancient Mississippian Indians built.  The roads themselves were never built because they couldn’t get funding.  Government was ultimately the reason for the collapse of civilization.
151.  I just flew in from New York…and boy, are my arms tired.  Because I masturbated the entire flight.
150. Introspection is like constipation of the soul.
149.  A sign you are getting older:  On your walk to the bathroom you can go from, “I hope I can go,” to “I hope I can make it in time” in 12 twelve seconds.
148.  REVENGE is a dish best served from the microwave.  Cold on the inside, boiling hot on one side and a stiff, hard, uneatable edge around the top.
147.  I knew my ex was out to get me when she wanted to sign a “Do Not Resuscitate” order when I went in for a physical.
146.  The only reason I come into work early is to get a good parking space.
145.  Whenever you preface a statement with, “My therapist says…” most likely it’s something that should remain unsaid.
144.  “I was married for 20 years, and every day–as soon as I woke up–I was wrong.  Then I got divorced…and I haven’t been wrong since then.”
–Al Hood, one of my dad’s good friends
143.  You know you’re sick when you cough so much that it interferes with your smoking.
142.  I shaved my pubic area because I wanted the linoleum to match the blinds.
141.  The problem with anonymity is that when you are famous, no one knows who you are.—Anonymous
140.  Remember that you sprint at a different pace than that which you run a marathon.
139.  I equate a marketing degree with a liberal arts degree:  There is no net gain in knowledge.
138.  The psychiatrist said I had ADHD.  Well, he said I had AD-something or other—I wasn’t really paying attention.
137.  ADD-ja-vu:  Where you get the strange feeling that you’ve been distracted before.
136.  This my dad said to me also:  “There are three kinds of people you can’t trust:  a one-eyed man, a reverend-deacon, and teetotaler.”  I still have no idea what this means.
135.  When I turned 18, my dad had a talk with me about being a man.  He put his hand on my shoulder and he said to me, “Son, from here on out…it’s all statutory.”
134.  Context is everything.
133.  There are more differences between men and women than there are between any races, classes, religions or countries.
132.  Some philosophers believe in solipsism…but I’m not sure they exist.
131.  There are no stupid questions.  But there are a lot of stupid people asking ridiculous questions who should be stabbed in the face with a spork.
130.  Never quit a job without having another one lined up.  You can also replace the word “job” with “women.”
129.  A rising tide raises all boats…And a low tide grounds them.
128.  You can tell so much about a person’s character by whether or not they tip the pizza guy.
127.  Ever notice there aren’t a lot of female philosophers?  I mean, other than Dorothy Parker?
126.  I don’t want miles or rewards–I just want the phone calls to stop.
125.  I lost the internet at home, and they shut off my cell phone as well.  I feel like I’m living in the Stone Age.  Or…the 90s.
124.  My second biggest fear is that I would be working on the electrical system in the attic, and electrocute myself.  They are NOT going to be able to pull my body out of there.  Just wrap me in saran wrap and leave me there.
123.  As an adult, the only time in my life that I am NOT in a hurry is when I’m walking OUT of the bathroom.  Everything else is urgent.
122.  If you want to do your misunderstood eclectic performance art, there’s the sidewalk.  If you want to get paid, pick a genre that people are familiar with, and make it your own.
121.  Do the rules against sexual harassment count for temps also, or can I go ahead and hit that shit?
120.  You can’t please everyone, so fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke.
119.  Why can’t I be a conscientious objector to the IRS?
118.  It’s such a fine line between a quirk and a disorder.
117.  Jesus was a carpenter. But no, he wasn’t a union carpenter.
116.  Happiness is…filling up your tank right before gas goes up 25 cents.
115.  One of my favorite recipes is “add shit, then *disturb.*”
114.  If you can’t say something nice about someone…put it on the internet.
113.  It’s not the best vegetable by far, but it’s certainly not the worst. It’s…medi-okra.
112.  Passive-aggressive is just a hobby of mine, but I’m thinking of going semi-pro.
111.  Historical fact: by law there are no paved roads in Alabama. The interstates there are gravel.
110.  I wish I had the motivation to do something about my apathy…
109.  I love the smell of liberals burning in the morning. Smells like…hemp. And tofu.
108.  I’d like to have some groupies, but I only have fans. Technically, fans are just groupies that don’t put out.
107.  It’s a fine line between a soul mate and an enabler.
106.  The longer you stand there with your pants down, the more awkward it gets.
105.  Someone once said, “It takes all kinds–”
It doesn’t really, but we have them anyway.
–Charlie Tull
105.  Calling Scientology a religion is like calling date rape a sport.
104.  Damn it, how DO they grow seedless grapes? Once you make them once, how do you get seeds to grow them again?
103.  Getting your news from Jon Stewart and Bill Maher is like watching porn to become a gynecologist.
102.  If I fix one thing, then another thing will break. If I don’t, things stay the same, and I can haplessly balance on the precipice between the verge of happiness and complete frustration. I have learned there is balance in the universe.
101.  When I get up in the morning and the weather is nice, I turn on the TV and check the weather to see if it’s going to rain that day.
If I wake up and it’s raining, I don’t bother checking the weather–because I already know.
100.  Jaeger-meister is the Def Leppard of alcohol. It’s really popular and there’s just no reason for it because it’s really horrible.
99.  I vote so that I can have the legitimate right to complain.
98.  You can’t please everyone, so you’ve got to please yourself.  But do it in private, not in front of a webcam.
97.  Anyone who steals my identity deserves my credit rating.
96.  Drive like everyone else is fucking stupid. Statistically, that’s more accurate than you realize. (BTW–to me, all of you are one of THEM.)
95.  The world is a giant trailer park.
94.  Is a pragmatist just a goal-oriented hypocrite?
93.  The definitive acknowledgment of class distinction in America: You can’t pop the collar on a wife-beater.
92.  A Libertarian is a Conservative with questionable morals. I’m a Libertarian.
91.  The Unabomber’s shack is now a high-dollar time share.
90.  If all you have is a hammer, every liberal looks like a nail.
89.  My life is not all about politics. And–unless you’re in office or plan to overthrow the government–yours shouldn’t be either.
88.  If the movie trailer can’t hold my interest for more than two seconds, it makes me want to miss the movie.
87.  People generally aren’t committed voluntarily, are they?
86.  Once you tattoo your face, you forever lose your right to not be judged based on your appearance.
85.   There’s no steering wheel on a train.
84.  The difference between fiction and lying:
Lying is what you do to get out of a ticket. Fiction is the tangled web of deceit you create in order to get laid.
83.  Someday, I’d like to stop procrastinating.
82.  You can’t fake that kind of insincerity.
81.  If you ignore most problems they will go away.
The two best examples of this are pregnancy and a burning house.
80.  You don’t have to answer the phone.
If you let it ring long enough it will stop on its own.
79.  Aluminum foil is shiny, but it has limited Origami potential.
78.  If you can’t kick a man when he’s down, when can you kick him?
77.  You’re nuts. The guy next to you is a nut.
The guy over you is a dick, and the guy under you is an asshole.
76.  Everything happens for a reason.
Sometimes the reason is irony.
75.  Opinions are like blogs.
Everybody has one and no one cares about yours.
74.  Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day.
Give him a keyboard and he’ll blog about mercury poisoning for the rest of his life.
73.  You can lead a horse to water but you don’t want to drink after him.
72.  I don’t believe ANY weather forecast.
71.  Nobody falls on the ice without someone seeing them.
70.  There’s no I in team, but there is one in BITCH.
69.  If an atheist is superstitious, does that make him a hypocrite?
68.  Honesty is usually mistaken for rudeness; that’s why I use it.
67.  When you reach the point where you decide what you really want to do, is it clarity and focus or futility and resignation?
66.  You never realize how much you really want a bagel, until you burn one, and it was the last one.
65.  Oh!  What a tangled Web we browse, when first we practice to…Arouse?
–William Shakespeare
64.  If you decide to chase a bear, you’ll catch it much sooner than you think.
63.  You can only date a stripper until you run out of money.
Everyone is surprised when this happens.
62.  The only weather that can be accurately predicted with any consistency is yesterdays.
61.  To have friends, you have to make friends.
60.  Was it worth it? Time will tell.
59.  There is a fine line between being a hopeless romantic and a sexual predator.
58.  Saying “I love you” after you cum in her mouth doesn’t count. That’s just pillow talk.
57.  God has a sense of humor. But he is very tired of *your* shit.
56.  One of the problems with Anarchy is that it doesn’t pay very well.
55.  Much of life is horrifically redundant and inconsequential. Remember that the next time someone asks, “How’s it going?”
54.  To me, the universe is subjective.
53.  Nobody smuggles pot *into* Mexico.
52.  Unless it involves actual intercourse, sexual harassment is rarely worth the trouble.
51.  Don’t piss off the pizza guy. He knows where you live.
50.  Life is seriously dangerous. You should wear a helmet at all times.
49.  Last week’s lotto numbers: 2-6-12-17-34-41
48.  If your name doesn’t show up on a Google search, it’s probably a good thing.
47.  When you approach a four-way intersection, be prepared to make a decision.
46.  Passive-aggressive is not a valid lifestyle choice.
45.  You are bitter, jaded, and resentful. Just guessing.
44.  Don’t Sleep Your Way Backstage to a Show That Only Cost 5 Bucks
–Sean Quallen
43.  There is nothing wrong with you that years of expensive therapy can’t prolong.
–Scott Maple
42.  Free t-shirts never fit.
–Rich Potter
41.  Opportunities for blackmail are pretty rare, so take it if you get one.
40.  The gifts that keep on giving: self-pity and a sense of martyrdom.
39.  Nothing is impossible if you’re oblivious.
38.  Don’t complicate my world.
37.  You will soon require a lawyer.
36.  Perception is in the eye of the beholder.
35.  The best porn is made in trailer parks. This is an observation, not career advice.
34.  Don’t be afraid of the dark. Be afraid of the monsters under your bed.
33.  If your glass is half empty, add ice.
32.  Guilt will only work on people with a conscience.
31.  Try the ball-gag diet.
30.  If the World is flat as some believe–and the Moon is hollow as I maintain–then together they are unique in the universe as a giant ping pong ball and paddle.  That might explain why the place is so popular with aliens.  It’s a tourist attraction, akin to our “World’s largest ball of twine.”
29.  This message will self-destruct in 30 seconds… 29… 28…27
28.  A smile, like syphilis, is contagious.
27.  Your dearest dream is coming true…..but you won’t like it.
26.  You are so bright. Where’s my sunglasses?
25.  You look proud and happy. And ugly.
24.  If you are going to bullshit, bring a shovel.
23.  If you want me to predict the future, let me shake your head like a Magic 8-Ball.
22.  Draw blood and they’ll leave your drink alone.
21.  You are an unemotional cyclotron of neurosis.
20.  There is a difference between being right and being correct.
19.  You will remain unknown. This is for the best.
18.  What the Hell was that all about?
17.  Your fly is open.
16.  You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have–the facts of life. The facts of life.
15.  You’ve made a lot bad decisions with relationships. For instance, the person you are with now.
14.  A fool and his hard drive are soon partitioned.
13.  Never ask for directions from a cross-eyed person.
12.  You make me feel all warm and fuzzy, like belly button lint.
11.  You’re not going to be a cowboy when you grow up. Trust me.
10.  Shut up. Just….Shut up.
9.  All the world’s a stage. And you are blocking my view.
8.  Your hygiene leaves much to be desired.
7.  Don’t wear socks with sandals, freak.
6.  Stop looking for solutions to your life’s problems or validation for your abnormal behavior in fortune cookies.
5.  You have an active mind and a keen imagination, as well as a bipolar disorder.
4.  You are gifted in many ways, but nothing useful.
3.  Look behind you.
2.  Everybody Knows Your Dirty Little Secret.
1.  Happiness is a Clean Break.

I put the explanation at the end, because if people see a whole lotta words at the beginning, it’s not nearly as enticing as a numbered list.  This is psychology.

Perhaps it started with that Desiderata poster by Highton Ridley from the 70s, or something like that.  Then there was the spoof of it, almost immediately after that became very popular–Deteriorata?
And then some journalist-essayist–maybe Erma Bombeck or someone like that–wrote a list of random shit—you know, how they feel you should live your life.  And then someone put it to some music so it was like a spoken word song/poem or some crap.  But it was a good effect–Words of wisdom, aphorisms, quotes, or what-have-you.
My favorite set, though, is from science fiction writer Robert Heinlein, speaking through several of his characters–most notably Lazarus Long, oldest living human.  In a random section of “Time Enough for Love”, he included a few chapters called “The Notebook of Lazarus Long.”  After all these years, that has stuck with me.
I’ve always collected my fortunes from fortune cookies as well.  When I first started writing these, in fact, I called them, “American Fortune Cookies.”
But that doesn’t quite describe them.  And I’m not sure where it happened for me…but maybe this is it:  I had recently turned 40, and I was coming out of the bathroom.  It had been a particularly satisfying episode, and I was feeling content, happy, alert, and empty in a good way–the opposite of bloated.  And that’s when the first one hit me, and I wrote it down to do something with later.  I had taken the perfect shit.  But what made it perfect?  Why?  I wrote this:
“Happiness is a clean break.”

And now, another one occurs to me right now relating to that, because although this is applicable in other parts of your life, remember this:
“Context is everything.”
And as I’ve learned some things in my life, I tried to write them down.  Lessons, if you will.  Words of wisdom?  Hardly.  Just things I’ve learned.  Observations I’ve made.  Things I want to pass on to my children and to posterity.  Things to soothe you in your time of need–like a comfort food, or some morphine.