My Ding-a-LingSeptember 30, 2005 at 5:16 PM | Posted in Health and wellness | Leave a comment
I did some introspective searching, some meditating, some chanting, the thing with the beads, and all that. Then I took a nap. Then it comes to me. All men want more…Johnson. If you know what I mean. I mean, hey–I have plenty, more than enough, but if I ever want to live out my dream of being in porn (and I am through with the gay stuff), I need larger, more impressive equipment.
If you search diligently, you will find that there are various drugs and treatments and even surgeries available, but I went for the easy way out: Supplementation.
So I order the stuff over the internet, and it comes in a plain, brown, inconspicuous wrapping with large type that says “INCREASE YOUR SIZE!”
I follow the directions for the first week, and notice subtle differences, like better aiming for the toilet, and my pants are tighter. But it’s not good enough. Against the recommendations on the label, I first double, then later triple the dosage. I no longer notice any more increases.
So I again double the dosage, and smile to myself at all of the admiring looks I get. My confidence is firm and swollen. After a month of this, it is time to take stock.
There I stand, naked, and dismayed, in front of the mirror, and now realize just how effective the supplement was. I look at my head: bald, and helmut shaped. My one eye blinks back as I stare at my reflectio. A rounded ridged runs all the way down my body. My feet are now round and hairy–but taut. Very taut.
I have become a complete dick.