Night of the Living Walmart

October 12, 2005 at 11:36 PM | Posted in Notes on Society | 1 Comment

  I feel the same way about Walmart that I feel about my favorite crack-whore:  sure, it’s cheap, and convenient, and it gets the job done, but I can’t help but feel that I am contributing to the decline of civilization by patronizing them, not to mention that insidious dirty feeling when I’m done.

  There are other similarities as well.   Just like crack-whores, Walmarts are fairly plentiful and easy to find, and most are available 24 hours.  At certain hours, it seems as though the clientel may be the same, also.

  Some things you can’t get from a crack-whore that are only available at Walmart are things like toilet paper, and—

  No, you can probably get that from a crack-whore.  Clothes?  Can you say “panties in a baggy”?  Cigarettes?  No, but she’ll probably ask you to buy some for her. . . . Uh, tools?  For some reason, crack-whores generally have some tools.  Like a pair of pliers, a hammer, and some wire.  It’s probably best not to ask.  Lots of Walmarts sell guns and ammunition. . . .I think that answers itself.

  Customer service?  If only Walmart would give me the kind of customer service my crack-whore gives me.  I think the training video would be unique in both its presentation and it’s effectiveness.


  But honestly….I went to Walmart twice today.  Twice.  And  I knew the first time that I would be going back.  I swear, when the dead come back to life and rise from their graves, they will all be up at fucking Walmart, loitering, and blocking the aisles so I can’t get to my shit.  It really is a love/hate thing.  They are close, they are convenient, they have more or less low prices, and they have a wide variety of shit.  But not everything.  There are annoying gaps in what they stock, and it seems to be on purpose.  Maybe it’s not.  Maybe it’s the reason I could shop elsewhere, if there were an elsewhere anywhere near that I could use as an alternate.

  So what are my problems with the place, really?  Well,


A.   . . . . .         . .      ………..   ………..


  I sat at that cursor for a long time.  It’s very subtle, I suppose.  No, not really.  It’s more like this:  There is a conspiracy, a New World Order, black helicopter thing going on in the world, and it is all very subversive, very low key—but you know it’s going on.  Then Walmart comes along and sells you the conspiracy pack at a discount with a smile on their face, and a knowing, accepting nod.  Come join us, they seem to say. 

  Once you enter, you become one of them.  The pods are in back.  The shelves are stocked with fresh ones every night.  Is it the end of the world?  Quite possibly.  But at least you can shop there for the supplies you need when it comes.  The mark of the beast bears a remarkable resemblance to the Walmart logo.


1 Comment »

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  1. hey fella,love it or leave it pinko!i didn\’t watch my buddies die face down in the mud to listen to this kinda subversive crap!move to russia pal!see how long you stand in line there,comrade!

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