What I Want To Do When I Grow Up

November 11, 2005 at 12:21 PM | Posted in Humor Me | 1 Comment
There are a lot of things I don’t do.  I don’t drink, smoke, or chew.  I have,
at one time or another.  Well, okay, I guess I do drink.  I may drink half a
dozen times throughout a given year.  And when I do, it will only be two
beers, three tops.  Maybe around the holidays I will drink more, cause it’s
the season.  I have smoked before.  I used to smoke a little dope (or maybe a
lot), but I’m clean now.  I have smoked cigarettes on occasioni as well.  I
started, stopped, picked it up a few years later, got tired of it in a few
months.  Had a cigarette about a year ago.  And I’ve tried chewing tobacco.  I
do not understand the appeal.
Having said that, for the most part, I am clean, and because of that, I expect
to live a long, healthy life, except for the weight.
But weight aside, if I do find myself living a long time, I wonder what would
be the point of not doing some of those things.  I mean, I’m not going to live
forever (I think), and as you get older, the physical aspect just gets more
difficult, so why not enjoy myself, and do some things to make my geriatricy a
little easier to handle.  So I decided to do this in stages, where as I reach
each milestone in my life, I am going to add a bad habit to really enjoy.
If I make it to 60, which should be relatively easy, I am going to take up
smoking.  I figure by that time, by the time it catches up to me, I’ll be in
my 90’s anyway.  And most people start when they are much younger.   They
didnt think it out.  It makes you look cool?  Who is in greater need of
looking cool than a 60 year old fat guy?
If i make to 70, I am going to start drinking.  Hard liquor.  Every day.  At
least a couple of shots.  It is a good habit to go with the smoking.  The guy
that sits at the end of the bar, cigarette in hand, nursing a drink, lamenting
the decisions he’s made in life?  Sounds like fun.  That could be me.
If I make to 80–and here we might have to start hedging, cause that may be
past the life expectancy–if I make it past 80, I am going to take up with a
pre-op transexual hooker.  I’m gonna need some excitement in my life at that
time, and I figure the dual aspect of the twisted pleasure and psychotic
disfunction a transexual hooker has to offer might just fit the bill.
If I make it to 90, I am going to need some real help either stretching my
savings or ending my life.  The previous decade spent shacked up with a
less-than-stable pre-op is bound to deplete my savings, especially if I do it
right.  So I think at that time, I will start shooting up heroin.  I figure
I’ve earned it.
So here I am at 100.  I expected to die by now, and in fact I may died several
times, yet still I remain.  Time to finish this bullshit once and for all, in
a big way.  If I make it to 100, I am going to go skydiving.  I am going to
jump out of a plane.  With a cigarette in my mouth.  Bottle of whiskey in one
hand.  Heroin needle sticking out of the other arm.  Strapped to a transexual
pre-op.  Over a volcano.
If I make it to 110, I’ll start drinking coffee.

1 Comment »

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  1. Excellent piece here….LOL….I\’ve enjoyed your site and your insights [wink]Happy Holidays ! Mona

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