End Times

January 24, 2006 at 12:40 AM | Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment
  My friend Karl had been concerned about me after reading the
“We Had Joy,–“ and the posts that followed. 
He thought I had a death fixation. 
Maybe I did, but I am so over that. 
I mean, that was days ago.  I am so over that, except for this final
(ironic, huh?), finishing touch.
  I haven’t thought this through very well, which is probably
for the best, but here is what I got so far:

  I fully intend to outlive my wife.  I may not, but I intend to.  She is slightly older, has many bad habits,
and creaks like an outhouse in the winter. 
While I am not in the best health, I am pretty damn healthy, comparatively,
and I have been actively working on getting healthier.  More on that in a later post.  My point is this.  I feel underappreciated by her  (a typical lament, I’m sure), especially
where humor is concerned.  After almost
18 years, she just doesn’t think I am funny anymore.  That hurts. 
That hurts a lot.  I think one of
the few talents I have, aside from my awesome nunchuck skills, is humor.
  So I have a plan.  If
I die before her, I want to remind her—and everyone else, too—of my skewed
sense of humor.  I want to be remembered
for it.

  I need two female volunteers to show up at my funeral and
pretend to be my grieving widows.
  Listen, it’ll be great. 
I already have someone who can be the contact person, and he has agreed
to do it.  I’m sure it may be difficult,
but well worth it.  Has anyone else every
played a practical joke from beyond the grave? 
I expect the widows to take it as far as they can, possibly only caving
after the burial, and then letting everyone in on it.  I will work out the details of that
  And, also, since I am dead, I won’t be there to see it, so I
need someone to digitally record it, and then email it to me.  I’ll be at: 

 I mean, this is like a final wish.  I am pretty serious about this.  This is how I want to be remembered.  I am eternally an asshole.


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