Smells Like Teen Spirit

February 21, 2006 at 1:15 PM | Posted in Personal | 5 Comments
f-f-f-f-u uu  ck.
Okay, I swear I am not whining.  And I honestly don’t know what my problem is.
You know, last year I turned 40, and that was. . . .interesting.  I’m sure I wrote a lament about that as well.  But this is more vague.  I–fffft. I got nothin here.  And that’s what it is, I guess.  I feel like I got nothing for my birthday.  Does it matter?  How old am I?  Do I need a present?  Well, no.  Actually, I got something.  My son got me a present.  He used one of his Christmas gift certificates to buy it.
Did the wife get me anything?  Did the wife GIVE me anything?  Not so much as a "happy birthday" or a "fuck off."  Asked me if I had a good birthday last night.  I told the truth.  "I don’t know."
  Said she’d make it up to me.  Make "what" up to me, exactly?
  I guess I know what she means.  But I also know that I don’t believe it, I don’t buy it, at this point I just don’t care.  I don’t think I have the right attitude.
  I had wanted to go to a comedy show this weekend.  Couldn’t get an answer out of her soon enough, and now they are sold out.  I didnt want to force it on her, because when I think about the Christmas show that I really, really looked forward to, that she ruined for me (see my November Archives, "Beaten Like a Dog"–in fact, I feel like that now) I just get pissed, and I don’t want to make her go to any goddamn thing ever again.  I have really lowered my standards, or my expectations.  I would rather be a martyr.  At least it’s fulfilling.  I don’t want a fucking thing.  Grrr!  I hate the fact that I feel this way, and I don’t think it’s justified.  I am just not happy.  Is that okay?
  My Dad didn’t call me on my birthday.  I think my sister tried to.  My older kids didn’t call me.  I know they’ve been through a lot lately.  (See Requiem.)
  So I’m sitting here at work, where the people I work with actually came through.  Whenever someone has a birthday, their cube gets decorated, and someone brings in cake.  These are mostly superficial friends, but it is nice, and they like me, and I like them.  It’s almost like it’s easier.
  On the bright side, I guess, I feel young.  I mean, I feel the full weight of teenage angst, and my face has broken out a bit.
                                       I feel. . . .alone.
. . .
. . . . .
Ya know, I went back and read that, and it reads disturbingly like the blog of a 14 year old girl.  the only thing missing is this:
  I love him.  He just doesnt know how much I love him, and I would do anything 4 him.  I rote hima peom.  I have to go, I have to right a paper for English.  Mr Thomas is so  hot.  Text me at lunch,k?


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  1. you know, the thing that keeps you going is a continuing,indomitable spirit called having a remarkable sense of humor..the article was heartfelt, not whiny,as you somewhat suggest. the end, with the caveat about the 14 yr old girl, was funny as hell. as far as birhdays go,i\’m with you on this subject matter. families esp. should at least acknowlege the passing of another year on a "dad" so to speak,and the wife is "going to make it up to you" mean, she\’s going to ignore next years birthday too?
    oh, boy..anyway,happy birthday bryan. i said it before and i\’m saying it again.

  2. hey, I wished you a happy birthday! dammit.
    actually, you seem to have the same exact outlook on life right now that I have: "fuck you. fuck the horse you rode in on. FUCK. YOU."
    guess what I did on my 40th birthday? I made my own dinner, set the table, cleared the table, washed the dishes…. got not a damned thing. Oh, the husband (who wasn\’t even the husband then) asked me why I didn\’t make a cake. Stupid me, I should have known then what it would be like.
    Screw it Bry…  you leave her, I\’ll leave him, we\’ll go live in Timbuktu and be bitter and mean and …. We can tease llamas for fun. Our spouses can get together and lament about what an ass hole you are, what a bitch I am, and we won\’t care. Cause we\’ll be in Timbuktu. With the llamas. There are llamas, there, right? But it\’s cold.. so , let\’s run off to the islands instead.
    anyhow..   (((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))  and tugs, of course  : )

  3. Tease llamas for fun…. ROFL that girl is crazy.  Oh man what can say to all this?  I have something but being a woman…it\’s long and it\’s kind of late, so I\’ll have to come back tomorrow….{{{hugs}}}} happy birthday.

    and no… we are definitely NOT running off to there! It\’s in Africa! And it HOT! and more importantly, there are no llamas!!  I think I was thinking of katmandu with the llamas.
    anyhow..  okay, so we\’ll stick to the states. But it has to be one of them where I don\’t know anyone, you don\’t know anyone, and no one will give a crap who we are.
    and what\’s wrong with the best laid bad plans? at least it\’s a plan, isn\’t it? and it does contain the word \’laid\’, so win-win, y\’know?
    anyway, I\’m off to your archives.. the twiddle something.. NO..  tiltawhirl.. yeah, that\’s it.
    hugs and tugs

  5. Forgot to stop in earlier…..where were we?  Oooooh yea, the outburst above.  Although your outburst was justified, I wanted to clarify something.  I’m not sticking up for your wife.  My comments are based on observations and ten years of marriage. 
    Have you seen the Blue Collar Comedy Tour 2?  Fuuuuny, if you haven’t seen it, you need to rent it.  One of the guys, Ron White, is sitting there talking about the Debeer commercial Diamonds are forever.  Ron says it should be, “Diamonds…that’ll shut her up….for a while.” LOL  Now, most of the male species find holidays, birthdays, and other such celebratory things as “a waste of time and money.”  My husband will tell you that the only reason these holidays exist is to remind men to buy something nice to keep the wife happy.   
    Anyways, I\’m rambling…..hubby also tells me all the time how it is “no big deal” when his birthday rolls around and I suggest doing/buying something special.  Perhaps over the past 18 years you’ve told your wife it was no big deal and this year she took it literally.  Personally, I think she should have at least given you a card and a nice a massage, get the drift?
    You know, I started writing this an hour ago and I’m still on your site reading your crazy stories in your archives……Why didn’t you just go to the comedy show alone?  You’re a big boy and considering the wife’s behavior last time, I’d say alone is better……..I really need to get to bed now LOL 

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