Service With A Smile!February 23, 2006 at 1:05 PM | Posted in Riding In Cars With Pizza | 5 Comments
I worked for Domino’s Pizza for a long time. Does anyone remember the 30 minute guarantee? I do. I remember when it ended, too. I was working that day. It was a Wednesday, about 11:20 AM. We had been open for 20 minutes. Dec 21, 1993. I got the call.
So for all the time since then, people have been stupid.
Maybe that’s not fair. People were probably stupid before that. But when people call to order a pizza for delivery, something happens to their brain. Maybe pizza clouds their judgment, as well as their sense of time, and their ability to read a clock. Pizza is a lot like heroin that way. So some typical customer, let’s call them “Ass Clown,” orders a pizza at 9:07 PM. We tell them, about 45 minutes. (We’re busy.) So then, at 9:28, Ass Clown calls back.
Ass Clown: Yeah, I ordered a pizza about an hour ago, and it’s not here yet.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Let me check on that for you. What’s the last name?
Ass Clown: Ass Clown.
Me: Okay, let me look. . . . Okay, sir, it looks like you ordered about 20 minutes ago—
Ass Clown: Tomato, tomahto.
Me: And it is on it’s way.
Ass Clown: What do mean, “On it’s way.”
ME: It’s on it’s way.
Ass Clown: Where is it?
Me: On it’s way.
Ass Clown: Where at, “on it’s way.”
Me: It’s en route.
Ass Clown: Where at, en route?
Me: Somewhere between you and me.
Ass Clown: Why won’t you answer my questions?
Me: I believe you’re not asking the right ones.
Ass Clown: I want to speak to a manager!
Ass Clown: Listen, the guy I was just talking to was very rude.
Me: Oh, I am very sorry about that sir. What was his name?
Ass Clown: Uh, . . I didn’t catch it.
Me: Well, I will investigate sir, and have him reprimanded. Is there any thing else I can do for you?
Ass Clown: Yeah, I ordered my pizza about 2 hours ago, and it’s not here yet.
Me: Oh, I am very sorry, sir. What is your last name?
Ass Clown: (Groans) I gave this information already. Ass Clown. A-S-S-
Me: Ah, I see. Yes sir, that pizza is on it’s way.
Ass Clown: What are you going to do for me? It’s been an hour and a half.
Me: What do you mean, “Do for you”?
Ass Clown: Don’t I get it free, because it’s been so long?
Me: It’s been 25 minutes. You were quoted 45 minutes.
Ass Clown: Are you calling me a liar?
Me: I’m calling you confused. And possibly unable to tell time. Do you have a digital or analog clock?
Ass Clown: This is bullshit! I have never been insulted like this!
Me: I find that hard to believe. Perhaps you just didn’t understand the previous insults. I can explain them to you.
Ass Clown: That’s it! Cancel my order! Call your driver and tell him to not come here. I’ll call someone else. Then I’ll call the Better Business Bureau, the Attorney General’s office, your National headquarters, and Channel 2 news! I’ll have your job, Buddy!
Me: Really? You can arrange that? That would be great if you could get me out of here. I’ve been trying to leave for years. Thanks.
Ass Clown: You smart ass, sarcastic, son of a– hold on, there’s someone at the door.
Ass Clown: Never mind. The pizza’s here.
Me: (to the dead air) And you have a good evening as well, sir.
The names have been changed to protect the Ass Clowns. No Ass Clowns were harmed in the production of this piece, but if I could have reached through the phone, I would have. This was a dramatization. The Ass Clown dialogue was real, but an amalgam of thousands of calls I received. My dialogue was mostly wishful thinking.
Although I did tell a customer to fuck off once.