Night Of The Living Walmart II: Revenge of Wally World

April 16, 2006 at 1:09 AM | Posted in Humor Me | 2 Comments
April 15th.
    Another day, another innocuous trip to Walmart.
    Or so it seemed.
    The wife wanted to go this day.  She had been shut in the house for the last
three weeks, except for a precarious outing to a wedding reception, and the
other day on her follow up visit to the orthopedic surgeon.  But Easter is tomorrow, and she had stuff in layaway—the
poor man’s credit card—that had to come out for our daughter.  Okay, she’s a big girl. Don’t have crutches, doc
recommended a walker instead.  And we
have her brother’s electric cart thingy, too.
  That’s fine for in
the house, not so good for going places. 
Can’t fit the fucker anywhere to take it with us.  But we take the walker, and we know, we know, that Walmart has these electric
carts for disabled shoppers and disaffected youth. 

  So I pull the truck
into the yard next to the front porch, and she makes it out and gets in.  We get to Walmart, and I pull up near the
door and go in, and get a cart.  Thought
I was getting a cart.  It wouldn’t
go.  The old woman at the door,
ostentatiously deemed “the Greeter,” explained that you sometimes have to
jiggle the wire on this one—there!  Okay,
go ahead.
  But wait.  Where are you going with it?  I show her where I am parked.  She thought that was too far away from the
front of the store, where she could keep an eye on me.  I guess she thought if I got too far away, I
would ditch my wife and truck and just escape into the wild countryside on this
ridiculous cart.
  Occasionally that
thought crosses my mind, and now I wonder if I missed a golden opportunity.. .
  I get the cart to my
wife and she gets on it.  It won’t go
again.  I dick with it for several
minutes, and it goes.  She goes in, I go
park the truck and catch up to her.  It
wasn’t hard, because she made it to the inside of the store, near the first set
of aisles, and there it stopped again, and stayed stopped.  She was stranded.  I make several trips to and fro.  I go ask the ancient woman if there is
another cart, she says no, not till someone brings one back.  Did you jiggle the wires?
  I go and check and
walk around, and I am on the exit side of the registers, and there is an ATM
machine, and a woman on a cart.  I ask
her, if she is just arriving or leaving, explain my situation.  She says, oh, I am about to leave.  Not wanting to invade her privacy at the cash
machine, I said, okay, I’ll wait over there. 
I go and tell my wife, and then walk back to the appointed exit.  As I stand and wait, the woman on the cart
finishes her business at the cash machine, starts up, hangs a u-turn, and bugs
out on me!
  I stand and watch,
and then, almost curiously, I start to follow. 
Was she paranoid because I confronted her at the ATM?  I try to follow, but the crowd is thick—this is
Saturday afternoon at the only Walmart In the entire fucking county.  People dress up to come here like they are
going to the goddamn Grand Ol’ Opry.  She
makes a turn somewhere, and I lose her. 
She fucking ditched me!  The bitch
ditched me!
  I go back to my wife
to report in, she still can’t get it to go. 
I go to customer service and get some help.  And by the way, have you ever seen a manager
at Walmart?  I’m beginning to wonder if
they exist.  It’s a sweet gig if you can
get it.  So far as I know, they never
talk to a customer.  Ever.  But a nice young woman comes to help.  She goes and gets a wheelchair, which is too
narrow in the ass for her.  (Her
words.)  And my relief, because then I would
have had to push her around the store.
 The old woman is gone from greeting, now there
is an old man there.  Maybe they use them
up . .
  Anyway, the girl
helping us asks the guy to save her the next cart.  He says he already has some old fucker on the
bench waiting for one.  Maybe not in so
many words, but that’s what he meant, and I looked at the guy, and he was a
sour looking fucker if there ever was one. 
Then we hit paydirt.  Right by the
checkout we were at, some one was in line in one of the carts.  She went up and talked to them, asking if she
could get it when they were done, and they said, sure, no problem, and the guy just stood up out of it with no
What the fuck?  Was he just on a fucking joyride?  Christ in sidecar.  But we had a cart.  So we made the switch, and got her in there,
and I see the old sourpuss fucker on the bench waiting for one giving us dirty
looks.  If we hadn’t intercepted, that
would have been his.
  Well, too fucking
bad, for a couple of reasons.  We were
there first, because we had a (defective) cart, so we are in front of him.  I have to go to work later today, and I am
running out of time, while he is almost certainly retired, with completely unlimited
time on his hands.  Until he, you know,
   In which case he
wouldn’t need the cart anyway.



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  1. Happy Easter, Bryan

  2. Oh my Gosh!!! I jsut saw the same thing happen at the grocery store – there was a waiting line for the carts and the ones that had them were like taking their time or something was up- I waited with this old woman that could hardly stand – she was there when I walked in and looking deperate – I decided I would see what I could do then ended up waiting – waiting for like 30 minutes!!! I felt so bad for her – they kept saying oh just a couple more minutes, just a couple more minutes. I\’ve never just stood out at the grocery foyer before – 30 minutes felt like an eternity! – glad you guys got a good one – hope your wife\’s foot/ankle feel great soon! -patti

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