The Real Reason

April 17, 2006 at 8:30 PM | Posted in Personal | 7 Comments

I’ve had it with the cute and cuddly. I’ve been hanging on to this essay for over six months, wondering when, wondering if, I should post it. Much like Daffy Duck when he blew himself up, I can only do this once. The comments I’ve gotten recently where everyone praises how sweet and sensitive I am–that’s the last straw. Prepare to have your delicate sensibilites bruises slightly.
"I’ve had all I can stands, I can’t stands no more!"  

   So the wife says, like she has on numerous occasions: "you need to be more romantic." Swell. What does that mean? If I ask her what it is or what it means or what the hell should I do, she says, "If I have to tell you, then it’s not romantic; you have to figure it out." Great. Just what I need, another fucking mystery to solve. Who am I, Scooby-fucking-Doo?
   So if I bring home flowers, that’s part of it. That’s about all I know at this point. Do we go out, just the two of us? Is that romantic? Then what? Expensive, does it have to be? At home, is it music and candlelight? Whispering sweet nothings? What the hell is romance and romantic?
   The fact that it is a complete mystery to me means that "to be romantic" is the complete opposite of how it is in a man’s nature to be. In other words, to them, it’s “I love you, but I want you to act like you have split personality, and behave completely differently from how you normally behave.” Basically, to act like a woman.
   Why on earth should I?
   Well, you want to get laid, don’t you?
   That is a valid point.
   My whole point is, if a woman wants to be treated like that, she needs another woman to do it.
   She needs—a lesbian.
   No, actually, a man needs a lesbian, to teach him how to treat a woman in that very unreachable "romantic" way. In fact, if men could learn this, there might be fewer lesbians.
   Because I have a theory about why gay men are gay and why lesbians are lesbians. I am not going to get into the whole argument about born that way or made; I am neither a scientists nor a philosopher. Well, maybe I am a philosopher.
   But according to my theory, why people are gay, in general, comes down to oral sex. Specifically, sucking dick. Men like to have their dick sucked. Men love it. Most have an unnatural preoccupation with it. At least I do. Just the hope that I could be on the receiving end is enough to make me harder than Chinese algebra. Few things in this world get my very specific attention like a woman’s lips, full, red, slightly pouty, partially open, a hint of warm, red tongue . . . . . give me a moment. . .. .
   And that is why I understand the allure. Some men love to have their dick sucked so much, that they are willing to do anything to get it, even–and here is the demarcation point–suck dick themselves.
   Now, I like oral sex. I like it a lot. I don’t quite like it that much, although there have been times when I wished I were more flexible, to reach it myself.
  I’m not really sure if I could be gay, or try it, or maybe be bisexual. I . . .just.. . I don’t know. While the thought of two women together is sensual and sexy and the plot of 90% of the porn that doesn’t involve animals, the thought of two guys is just kinda gross. Maybe cause I am one? There aren’t a lot of guys out there that would do it for me, not really.
. .. . Okay. There is one. Morrissey. The singer. Yeah. He is supposed to be gay, so that’s half of it. He has a beautiful voice, and he looks pretty good. I don’t believe I shall delve further into the attraction.  Plus, if you are familiar with his songwriting, he obviously has a lot of emotional baggage. That is something I look forward to in all of the women I’ve ever been with, so why should it be different with a man?
   But that may not be what it is with most guys. Not some “attraction” to men, but just a common “knowing,” like a secret club, that if you are on the same wavelength as another guy, you know that if you giveth, you too shall receiveth—cause, let’s face it, guys are easy. And we will stick our dick into just about anything if it holds still long enough.

  And that goes a long way towards explaining why some women are lesbians.

"I swear, if he sticks that damn thing in my face one more time–I’m going to go lesbo."



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  1. I laughed and laughed! You remind me of everytime I have heard a guy on the receiving end of "need romance" line except you have stated it perfectly – in fact I think many of my friends that are guys would frame your entry here – hang a star on it and refer to it when frustrated as "they are not the only ones that feel this way!" I have one ex-boyfriend from college that I am good friends with still – he is hysterical and adament that he has not a singular "romantic" anything. He really doesn\’t and he really doesn\’t even try anymore which has me laughing half the time. When dating him I remember moments of my near insanity at his inability to just say what he was feeling – anything! It made me clingy – I\’m never clingy and it made me clingy and I hated that about myself so I drove him nuts! Years later I realize that if he had just looked at me with those eyes that say – "You\’re great" or "I\’m so into you" I would have been fine – it isn\’t flowers – got enough or can buy my own – it is that look – also it is the occasional unexpected grap hug that doesn\’t necessarily turn into sex! This is hard for a guy – I get it – but is it impossible? Honestly with these two simple things which really only take a momento of mushiness could have resolved huge patti wacko moments where I didn\’t even recognize myself! That\’s why it is hard to tell the guy what the heck we need – we are wigging out that we need anything – and it is so small what we need that it seems ridiculaous to say it outloud. Experiment – give her a "you take my breath away" look tomorrow and I bet five bucks it works like a charm, she will be happy and all will be a great week 🙂 This will be an interesting experiment – I can\’t wait to hear how it goes and if it works – I\’m curious. Best to ya! -patti 

  2. ohhh gods. if you really want to get that mist of softness around you out of your way you\’ll have to try harder. and that second part sounded a bit perverted and that\’s just great. world needs that, i need that 😛
    see you my feely-touchy, heheh… :")

  3. Well in manly terms… romance is doing nice things at random… for no reason.  A call at lunch time to ask how her day is.  A dinner for two… anywhere.  Dinner at home..without the TV.  She wants to know how wonderful she is and how sweet she is (even if you told her last week).   Flowers for no reason, they can be store bought or you could stop along the road and pick them. It means you\’re thinking of her.  And believe it or not… women who are romanced… really like to give it up.  But you can\’t just do it once and expect an out come.  You know how women are…. like old cars. You can\’t expect them to just go when you turn the key, you\’ve got to warm them up first.

  4. lol @ reading the other comments.
    now I know
    and I know why I don\’t do it, don\’t like it, don\’t want it… it\’s mushy and sappy and makes my skin crawl.
    not bj\’s
    I think I\’m getting hives
    hugs and tugs

  5. " i\’ll never be anybody\’s hero now". speaking of morrissey, all you web-groupies out there for the old \’xxxxerr, purchase this new album of his. \’xxeerr has it, he just hasn\’t listened to it yet.

  6. LOL! good gawd–I might turn lesbian after reading this blog!!!
    Oh cut it out! *down boy!* Sheesh, what is it with men and watching lesbians fantasy\’s. It\’s a mystery…not unlike the mystery of "be more romantic requests!" 😛
    Romance isn\’t about GIVING things to your chick. It\’s about showing her you care. Yeah. I know. Sucks, huh? You might even have to put some THOUGHT into this one…I hear your silent screams *pats you*

  7. LOL!  You sound just like my honey when he\’s venting his frustration with not understanding me or any other female on the earth!  Perfect!
    Oh, and thanks for stopping by and posting at my space!
    Candy,  you said it perfectly!  I don\’t think I\’ve ever heard it put any plainer! 

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