A Whole Dollar?

May 9, 2006 at 12:06 PM | Posted in Riding In Cars With Pizza | 16 Comments
  Okay, I have told you all, and told you and told you, that I am an ass.  After what happened last night, maybe you’ll believe me.  I’m not asking for forgiveness, and I don’t think I’m rationalizing.  I’m going to tell it like it is.  If I tell it in the wrong order, I don’t sound so bad.  So I will start off by saying that yes, I knew the guy was in a wheelchair.
  I’m working my second job last night at the restaurant.  Most of the time, I’m really, really good with customers.  I deal with most people on the phone:  I chat, I flirt, I make them happy.  Occasionally, but not very often, someone will rub me the wrong way.
  Sometimes, I do the rubbing.
  This guy calls and orders, and he’s a regular.  He lives in a nice house–bigger than mine.  This will be relevant later.  For the longest time he never tipped, ever.  Then he started to tip.  A dollar.  Thirty, forty dollar order, he would tip a dollar.  Sometimes, though, he would still stiff. 
  Yes, the guy is in a wheelchair.  Probably for life, who knows.  He has many problems, difficulties to surmount.  However, from the looks of it, money is not one of those problems.  And I have an idea why he has no money problems.  The accident which caused the injury:  he was hit by a Domino’s Pizza driver some years ago.  I’m sure he got settlements six ways from Sunday, in addition to disability and what-have-you.
  Plus, he also runs a business out of his home, he fixes and refurbishes guitars.
  I have money problems.  I am very close to losing my house if I don’t pull a miracle out of my ass this month.  I’m in debt up to my eyeballs.  Things are falling apart around me.  Having said that, would I trade places with him?  No.  I can always make more money (I hope), I can’t grow new legs, or even a third testicle, no matter how hard I try.
  But if I were in a wheelchair, that would not be my excuse for every goddamn thing that was wrong with me.  How do I know this?  Well, I’ve lived with myself for a pretty long time, and I’ve gotten to know me.  I know how I am, and I’m not like that. 
  I believe in treating people equally.  A person in a wheelchair is still a person.  And an and asshole in a wheelchair is still an asshole.
  So I take the guy’s order, about 28 bucks.  He puts it on a credit card, and he says, "Go ahead and throw a dollar on there, what the hell."
  Believe me when I say there was no sarcasm in my voice when I asked this, which is not easy to do.  This was just a test, to see if the guy has a sense of humor. 
  I asked him, "A whole dollar?"  Emphasis on the "whole."
  So, no, he doesn’t have a sense of humor.  "Listen, you son of a bitch.  I’m in a wheelchair, I’m on disability.  I don’t appreciate–"
  And he kinda went on for a minute, and I wasn’t really paying attention.  Just kinda tuned him out.  After he ran down, I just told him, "Okay, so the driver will bring the receipt for you to sign and give you a copy.  Delivery time is about 35 to 45 minutes.  Thanks alot."
  So my good friend Karl gets the run when it comes up, and he groans.  But at least there is another run going with it, so it’s not a total loss.  We may not know all the customers, but we know the dozen or so that committ the dual sin of a) ordering a lot and b) not  tipping.  Most–99.99% tip at least decently to very well.  So the ones that don’t have a special notoriety.  In fact, a very successful  businessman has these business rules, Swanson’s Rules of business.  And here is my favorite one:
32: A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter, or to others, is not a nice person. (This rule never fails).
  And that coincides with one of my rules, if you’ve read my fortune cookies lately:
  Don’t piss off the pizza guy.  He knows where you live.
  And some of you might cynically believe that rule 32 applies to me.  Nolo contendre, I plead no contest.
  Karl comes back from the run, empty hot bag in one hand, smile on his face, and a fucking guitar in the other hand.  What.  The.  Fuck.  Karl tells the story thusly:
 So, I get there, man, and the dude says to me, "I don’t know who that fucker was on the phone–"  I didn’t give him your name– "but he made me feel about this big."  (Karl holds thumb and finger about an inch apart.)  "If I wasn’t in a wheelchair, I’d kick his ass."  He asked me if I played guitar, and I said yeah, so he gives me this, and says, "Here, man, I want you to have this.  You take it back and show it to that asshole, let him know that this is what he’s missing out on my being a prick."
  So he gave the dude a guitar, plus he got to keep the dollar.  Karl tried to make me feel guilty about it, about how I treated him and how I made him feel, but guilt only works on people with a conscience.  I reminded Karl that if it wasn’t for me, the guy would not have given it to him, so I said, "You’re welcome, Karl."
  The logic contained herein, I admit, is just beyond my grasp.  I can see the outline of it, but the rest is fuzzy.  You can afford to order food a couple of times a week that I can’t even afford to order once a week, but can only tip a dollar or not at all because you’re in a wheelchair.
  You can give a guy a guitar to spite another guy, but can’t give two dollars instead of one when you order.
  And I’m sure that I will talk with him again, and I guess I will apologize.  Nothing to do with the wheelchair, cause it wasn’t me that hit him.  But can you, or can you not, ever again, after an accident or incident like that–can you ever laugh again?  Adjust?  Try to live a live?  Or just sit and brood and never smile again?  I don’t think the accident made him like that, I think he was like that before.
  This whole thing only shows me that after all of these years, I still think like a fucking driver.  I can be bought.  I can be had.  For a price.
  And apparently that price is two dollars.


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  1. you get to be an ass and I get to be a bitch, and if anyone has a problem with it, it\’s their problem not ours. Period. However, I don\’t think you were being an ass. Rude is rude and whether or not you can walk has nothing to do with it, it\’s just a lame excuse (ha! a pun and I wasn\’t even trying, lol!).And  I completely agree with #32… gonna have to look that tidbit up and see the rest of the rules now, though.
    I\’m being patient. Trying, anyhow. I\’ll just have to find ways to keep myself amused while I\’m waiting. Hmm…. wonder what I could do? I\’m sure I\’ll think of something  ; )
    kisses in your favorite places

  2. hey… I just looked up Swanson.. he only has 25 unwritten rules…  or is there another set that only YOU can see?
    dammit.. share!
    no dolla fo you!
    hugs and snugs

  3. yep rule number 32 is completely true almost married a man I would be divorced to by now that was the epitome of rule 32  – he was nasty to people and then would turn and smile! I thought yeah, I\’m just waiting my turn here, aren\’t I! Yea nobody should be a dick, a dick is a dick! And it is good to let someone know every once in awhile cause they mighta forgotten! That way next time around we can think about it a bit better – cool Karl got a guitar… it shows that the guy was thinking about it  maybe realized that he\’d been a dick for awhile. Deep down everybody wants to be liked – I think, though I think it is wasy to deny.

  4. When I bartended, there used to be a youngish (35?  45?  his face was unlined, but it might have been from being slow, not actually lacking age and experience, but hell, the lights weren\’t that bright anyway…remind me never to work at the carnival as that person that guesses age or weight) guy that would come in 5 days a week and drink beer ALL FUCKING DAY…and leave no tip.  If you have enough for a $30 daily bar tab, get your thumb out of your ass and TIP!
    And the guitar? As nice as it is, won\’t pay the mortgage.  And you\’re not an asshole…or you\’d be leaving bodily fluids on his pizza, right? 😉

  5. dear pizza guy,
                               this is karl, the lucky guy with the new guitar. i\’m over at tony\’s,the guy you just wrote about,and boy, is he pissed off (once again).can\’t you leave this guy in peace? why write dirty things about him? i\’m sorry you didn\’t get a guitar, but geez!! i think an apology for both nights is in order here dude.
                                                              the dude.

  6. sheesh 2 tickets and screwed outta a guitar.. sux to be u!
    p.s. let me know how that miracle outta ur ass thing turns out.. if it works.. I just might give it a try 😛
    p.s.s.  a third testicle is really, afterall, just bling don\’tcha think?  I mean. can u imagine running with a third?  prolly get a rash or somethin.. nah.. notta good idea I don\’t think :P:P

  7. or (freaked out look..) was THAT the lil ball o\’ sunshine u were offerin\’ me the other day?? sheesh man!

  8. furry ball o\’ sunshine even..
    I should shutup now huh? hehehehehehe

  9. If you‘re an ass then I‘m a nun. Admit it already, you’re not capable of being an ass 😛 Me, on the other hand… you mostly have a reason to piss smbd off, and I (most of the time anyway) don’t.
    don’t underplay 🙂
    Wink and a peck…? Banal but will do.
    p.s. furry ball o\’ sunshine ;\’\’D

  10. bok bok bok bok (chicken) 😛
    Hope today was better than yesterday!

  11. I don\’t think it is good for me to reveal some personal information online, in blog, especially in yours because the amount of reading and replying here is too frequent! Well, most of your guesses are quite right. You are really smart =)
    In terms of learning a new language, why try Chinese? It is quite different from Western language system and it must be very interesting for you. I will learn German soon. Too busy this month.
    Nice to hear from you! Good luck!

  12. I did some thinking and decided that both of you goofs were fighting over nothing (aka, a whole dollar),
    but in the end, you warm and fuzzy belly button lint, I still can\’t picture you being an ass. just… goof :p

  13. Ironic enough my sis works as a waitress for Pizza Hut (yes, I purposely withheld that info from you hahahah) she says people are lousy tiping her and she really needs the money.  She was a little po\’d they put her waitressing when she\’s supposed to make pies but that\’s where she\’s at.  We made a rule that the waitress gets a dollar a person (there\’s 4 in the family) and usually we don\’t spend more than 30 bucks IF he/she is nice, keeps our glasses filled we\’ll give her 7, if it\’s payday and he/she is extremely nice we\’ll leave 10 but that\’s a rarity.  Anyways, I stopped in to see if you graduated.  I\’m done, walked the walked, and posted pics of me in my lovely orange smock so you better go look….

  14. First, I KNOW your name.  **Smiling an evil smile**  I cheated and went to Kim\’s site and \’found you\’.  he he….I see you also cavort with S4ssy.  **Tsk tsk** You\’re being so male!
    Second, if I was your sister, would you kick my behind for even considering this AGAIN?  But what\’s a girl to do if she would like to have a \’special someone\’ in her life to help carry the load?  I don\’t know.  I just don\’t know.  **shaking head, looking at the floor with a dejected look on her face**
    So….You gonna come visit again?

    I think you showed considerable restraint. I may have had to continue the phone conversation with my sarcastic, witty repartee. I have very little time for people who present themselves as victims — I don\’t care WHAT the hell is wrong with them.
    Buck up, fuckwad; life\’s tough. Get a helmet.
    Apparently I\’m taking the fast-track to Hell.

  16. When I read Mr. Swanson\’s rule #32, it sounded very similar to a rule I\’ve always heard in the corporate world.  I was a receptionist for many years, and most people know when looking for a job, one of the most important people to show respect to, and be friendly with, is the receptionist.  Especially in the recruiting/employment industry. 
    My boss would come to me after interviewing someone, and ask what I thought of that person; how that person treated me.  I can\’t tell you how many times someone would lay their "I\’m the best thing since sliced bread, and you\’re just a lowly receptionist, so I have no need to bother myself with making conversation or pretending to have time for you" attitudes on me while waiting to be interviewed, and then as soon as the boss walks in to greet them, they\’re all smiles and the most friendly, gracious person to ever walk thru the door.  Little did they know that if you\’re rude & obnoxious to the receptionist, no smart employer or recruiter is going to hire you to work for them.  Ha!
    And, having waited tables for 7 years, I really hear ya \’bout those idiots who have no concept about what it takes to work in the restaurant industry.
    But, yeah, I think you oughta give up on that whole trying to make people think your an ass thing.  Nobody believes you! 

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