Field Of Dreams

June 15, 2006 at 2:39 AM | Posted in Personal | 4 Comments
For most people, you can take this however you want, even as realistically as you want. For one person in particular, I want YOU to know that this is purely hypothetical, pure conjecture. At the end you will see. But for now, the fantasy is. . . good for my soul.
I came to the realization that I am going to have to leave my wife. When I tell people this (my dad, friends, et cetera, people who know her), not one of them has said "that’s a shame," or "too bad you can’t work it out," "have you thought about maybe marriage counseling?" which are all the things you might expect.
What I heard instead was more heartfelt for me. Things like, "It’s about time!" and "you can do so much better," and "She’s been dragging you down for years."
My best friend Kim was there to guide me, make sure I follow the right steps and so forth, so I am grateful for the help and guidance. But then, she was trying to dissuade me from shacking up with the first chick I meet. And I was ready, too. Out of the frying pan, into the deep fryer. But wait–!
She says to me, in a nutshell, that I am a 40 year old man, attractive, witty, charming, and there have been women through the years (that we have both known, apparently, but she is only telling me about now?) that would have me. I am sexual, and interested, and interesting, and don’t have any hangups to speak of. The ratio of available women (in my age range) to men is tilted in my favor. Many don’t even want a relationship, they just want sex. She said lots of guys my age go after the 25 year old women, and they can get them, but I can do a lot of kinky things with a lot of 40-year olds.
I said, "wait. What was that about the 25-year olds again?"
But she was letting me know, that with my freedom, my looks, my charm, I could have lots of wild monkey sex with lots of women. I have doubts about the looks thing. I was going to say, I used to be good looking. Not really sure if I ever was. But I was in better shape. I know one thing, if I want to pick up chicks, I need to get in shape. If only to increase my stamina.
But is that what I want, to play the field? I never really have. I went from one relationship, to the next, to the next. I have had sex with three women in my whole life. That number makes me pretty safe, disease-wise. Do I want to double that number, or triple it?
What do I want?
Well, in all honesty, I’m not sure if I want to be alone. I’m a people person? That’s not it. But. . .I like having someone. I like being in a relationship. I especially like the beginning, the discovery, the exciting and new. I don’t have much of a frame of reference, but each time I was with a new woman, with sex for the first time, I was able to keep going, for hours and hours, and for days. And getting to know a persons body, how it moves, how it reacts, how they react. What they like, and don’t like. What they prefer. What they have done, and haven’t done, and will never do–and you get that thing away from me, Mister!
How can you make that last? How can you make the newness stay, alive and fresh for always? But I guess I like being in a relationship because the alternative is breaking up. It’s shitty. It sucks. It sucks to high heaven. I’ve never had a series of meaningless affairs, but isn’t someone, somewhere along the line, bound to become emotional? And what if it’s me?
But then, I have also been with a woman for many many years, and there have been some really good times, based on our familiarity. Knowing what pleases, knowing what works. Knowing the little signals that indicate what to do, or not do. Something to be said for that, as well, although it is much less of a sure thing. in the last many years of our marriage, we had gotten into a routine for sex, and very seldom broke out of it, but when we did, it was pretty damn good.
How do I get the best of both worlds? I guess what I need is a steady girlfriend to get to know really well over time. . .who will also let me go out and "play the field."
I would like to meet the guy who has it that way. I have lusted after thousands of women, thousands, over the past 25 years. I lust over many still. If I could have fucked them all–I guess I would still be busy fucking. But the drawback to that is disease, but also, FTS. Fatal Attraction Syndrome. Roll the dice often enough, you’ll wind up with a nutbag. In fact, the cards are stacked against you. If you find one that isn’t a nutbag, that’s a keeper.
What defines them as a nutbag? Good question. Excellent question. Any other questions? Okay, class dismissed–
Oh, you want an answer? I’ll give you an answer. Here it is. Are ready? Okay, the answer is: How the flying fuck should I know?
The problem is, the trick is, you know it when you see it. But if you don’t see it, that doesn’t mean it’s not there. It could be there, hiding, dormant, waiting. Of my three, one was a complete nutjob, one was not, and one became one over the years, probably due to me. Hey, everything else was my fault, right?
My dad says to me one day, he says to me, he says, "Son–" he always calls me son, you see, because I am–"Son, let me tell you about women." There was a long pause. I looked at him earnestly, waiting. He had a far away look in his eyes, the look that I often have now. Finally, he says to me, "They’re all fucking nuts. Every last goddamn one."
But it’s good to know that he’s on my side on this. He has a girlfriend, and quite frankly, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him happier. He wasn’t happy when mom was alive. he had always hinted at it, and I thought it was just your standard bitching.
Almost six months after she has died, however, Dad made the point of telling me how it was. "Look, you just don’t know. You didn’t see everything. She made it hard on me, Son. Very hard." To the bitter end he was there, he did his duty, he looked after her. He never left her side.
I don’t want to wait until she dies to be happy.
And I don’t want to play the field. Well maybe a little. Not really. What I want to find is love. Real love. True love. I let my dick lead me from one relationship to another. I would like to find someone and get to know them first, before having sex. Kind of an odd thing to hear me say, no? I wonder if it’s possible. I would like to find someone with common interests, to be an equal partner with, not an adversary.  Good Lord, not an Adversary.
For all of my bitter cynicism, my jaded outlook, my forlorned. . .ness–I guess I ran out of words–I still have a hopeful innocence, I still believe in the inherent goodness in all of mankind.
I can’t believe, with what very little is left of me–and there is oh, so very little left, I am a broken shell of a man–

I still believe in love.

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4 Comments »

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  1. I\’m hearing Nick Lache\’s song "What\’s left of me" playing in my  head now..  thanks alot!
    For what it\’s worth, I have a friend who  left his wife, got his own apartment, and decided to bang every woman who would let him. I was of the impression he enjoyed playing the field, dating a different woman every weekend; then he confessed he hated it, that all he wanted was someone to sit with at the end of the day and talk with him about how his day had been.
    Some men are meant to be players their whole lives, some aren\’t. Nothing wrong with being either way just as long as you realize which one you are. It\’s all  about being comfortable with the skin you\’re in. You can\’t be what other people expect you to be or want you to be, you can only be who you are.
    As for jumping from the pan into the fire…who are other people to judge? Only YOU know what your situation is, good or bad.Do whatever feels right for YOU.
    What I do know is that the woman who gets "what\’s left of you" will be one lucky lucky woman. She\’s probably getting the best…
    hugs and love
     

  2. WOW.Intense

  3. A wonderful post. Most men (and women) do make the mistake of jumping from one bad relationship to one they think is better, but, it\’s just the same one with a different woman. I think it\’s great that you\’ve thought about this, thought about what you really want, what\’s important to you. If you don\’t know what you want and need, you\’ll find someone else who will tell you, and you don\’t want that again.
    My grandparents marriage was adversarial, my marriage is so much like yours (switching sexes though), it was like reading my thoughts, my life. I\’m the one who can do nothing right. I have children, and plans for when my baby is 18. I do not, will not live all my life with someone who has no joy, no happiness, and can see none in anything he looks at.
    As far as love goes, real love… I believe in it for others. I\’ve seen it, I know it\’s out there and real. I think it\’s fantastic that you still have that hope. Just please give yourself time, and really get to know the person, their soul, because even with soulmates and real love marriage is hard. I for one plan on being alone, enjoying my friends and traveling, and I\’m OK with that. I\’m not sure I would ever be able to fully trust a man enough to totally open my heart to him. I really love and appreciate men, in fact my best friend is a man, but trust? The kind of trust you need for real love… I dooon\’t think so! lol BIG HUGS, Steph

  4. I echo my cousin…intense… but from what I\’ve been able to gather, things haven\’t been all that grand with you and your wife.  I\’ll do the dirty work…..have you thought about counseling?  Perhaps if YOU worked the relationship more…..lolol just kidding.  Keep us posted, I\’ll try to stop in more often….


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