Tales From The Crypt

July 7, 2006 at 11:23 PM | Posted in Journal | 5 Comments
  Okay, probably one of the more tasteless things I’ve written (the title), considering what this is about.  My uncle Bobby, my mom’s oldest brother, died on the 4th, 78 years old.  My dad and I go to the wake, so I ride with him.
  Takes a while to get there, we don’t know exactly where it is.  It’s a strange city in a strange part of town.  But we just kind of drive aroudn till we find it, and only have to ask for directions twice.
  We get there, and the first people I see are my cousin Kevin and his wife Susanne.  His second marriage, hers too, I think.  They met on the internet.  Kevin was already single, she was still slightly married.  But the funny thing is, they were only 16 miles away, and met on the internet.  Isn’t that something.
  I didn’t know his first wife, she seemed to keep him from family functions.  But Susanne seems very nice.  Active, alert, interesting, playful–someone fun for him.  I’m happy for him.
  I go in and see aunt LaVerne, uncle bobby’s wife.  she is old and a little frail, forgetful as hell, but still funny and active, and engaging.  She is sweet.  I sit and talk with her, introduce myself three or four times, and we chat.  People come to see her, so I chat with them as well.
  Not going to try to explain the family tree, because I dont get it all.  I know they are related, I guess that’s all that matters.  Names, lineage, all forgotten.
  I talked with Michelle, who is a second cousin to me.  For quite a while.  Riddle me this:  Why are there only two kinds of women on this side of the family:  short and fat, and tall, skinny, and hot.
  Yes, I said hot.  Michelle was smokin.  Another second cousin, whose name I didn’t catch but I talked to a little, had fire red hair and could have been a model.
  My wife said it was inappropriate for me to call my cousins "hot."  Well, they are second cousins, and therefore the degrees of consanguinity are lessened, as well as the ick factor.  Plus, I never see these people.  Most of them don’t "feel" like family, even though I felt as many as I could, lots of hugging going around.
  Michelle told me this story:  Her husband, Leroy, is unable to have children (sire them, I think she meant).  Aunt Laverne prayed and prayed, and Michelle became pregnant.  Cynics in the audience might not believe a miracle happened, that maybe she fooled around.  I will uphold the family honor:  she said DNA test proved it was his.  His family insisted, because while he believed it, they placed sufficient doubt to have the test.
  I looked at Michelle and Aunt Laverne, and marveled.  Wow.  Nice to see a miracle once in a while.
  Talked to some other family as well, and really tried to engage them.  After the crap at my mom’s funeral two years ago, I wanted to make amends, at least within me, because they didn’t see anything wrong.
  I talked to Kevin’s brothers, and they seemed as cold, distant, and uninteresting as ever.
  I talked to Susie, one of Laverne’s daughters.  One of the fat ones.  She is sweet.  Been rough for her.  She lost a son a few months ago on a boat accident, and last month her boyfriend of ten years, that she was going to marry, died.  And now her father.  I gave her a hug.  "I’m sorry, Susie.  That’s so shitty."  I was sincere.
  I talk to a few cousins about how this side of the family doesn’t get together so much.  Someone–I looked at them–should arrange something. ..
  I talked to Rich and Rose’s kids.  Rich is my mom’s brother, Rose is his wife.  they both passed away several years ago.  The one son, Tad, is gay and flamboyantly so.  He was the best dressed person there.  I mean, Christ, you want your son to be gay?  Name him Tad.  He also, I found out, has AIDS.
  Richy was there, his older brother.  He is the first man I have ever used this to describe:  He looked like he was rode hard and put away wet.  He was my age, and looked used up.  His other brother, whose name I don’t recall, is in jail.
  And then their younger sister Dina.  Dina looks alot like her mother.  Let’s hope she doesn’t turn out like her.  Rose was a cunt.  When my mom was in the hospital, my brother told me some stories that I didn’t know.  He is older than I.  Uncle Rich was married before, to a sweet, beautiful, nice, wonderful woman.  Then Rose came along.  Rich left his first wife for Rose, but not right away, actaully.
  Apparently, they all three lived together for a while.

  To which I can only say, "You GO, Uncle Rich!  I salute you!"

  But then he ended up with Rose.  There is balance in the universe, and so, to pay for his year of living dangerously, with two women, Rose made the rest of his life a living hell.
  It was so sad when he died, less than six months after her, because he didn’t really get to enjoy his freedom.  This is not me talking, this is the consensus of everyone who knew them.
  When dad and I were at his house later, having a beer, he filled me in on some of those details.  And then he added this story, about him and my mom.  This is in his words:

  I was working at Gordon’s driving at night, and installing retaining walls with railroad ties during the day.  I worked alot at that time.  We were living in Pine Lawn.  Your mother went through a spell where she was bitching at me constantly.  When we first got together, we lived together for two years, and everything was fine.  then we got married, and it was like flipping a switch.  And that switch stayed on.
  So one Friday, I go into work, clock in, get my paycheck, and then half an hour later I’m sick, and I leave.  I go to Chicago.  I stay with my sister Audrey for about three days.  Then I come home.  Your mother is right there at the door:  "Where the hell have you been?"
  "I went up to Chicago, to see my sister.  I wanted to be with someone who likes me.  You obviously don’t."
  She stuttered and sputtered and spouted, and then said, "Well maybe I ought to go to Chicago.  Take off and leave for 3 or 4 days.  What do you think of that?"
  "Go right ahead.  Do it.  Have fun.  But only for 3 days.  Don’t be gone for four days."
  "And why the hell not?"
  I told her, "Because you’ll trip over your replacement coming through the door."

  Just in case you had any doubts as to where this all comes from…



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  1. see? this is what I wrote about on my blog after my uncles death: funerals = family reunions
    anyway.. God rest, Uncle Bobby. 
    but Bry… I didn\’t know you lived in Kentucky. You know.. family reunions are where they go to get dates.
    ha! I slay myself!!! I am so fucking funny!!!!
    yeah, whatever
    hugs and all that other stuff

  2. I love the way you tell stories!  You got me thinking about something that happened, a while back my step mother in law got mad at me when I made a comment that T and her daughter J would be great as a couple.  She went off saying that, that just wasn\’t RIGHT.  All I could do was laugh.  T (my son) and J are the same age.  Because my hubby\’s father married step mother in law, that made J our sister and my kids\’ aunt. You following that?  Now my son has a different father as does J.  So I didn\’t see anything wrong with the picture because marriage lines were soooooo far off to cross.lol

  3. hey dicklehead… I copied and pasted the article so now you know when to stay off the roads. no fancy schmancy links…. just straight on. geeesh… the things I do for you!
    oh, that\’ll be another ten bucks, thank you.
    yeah, yeah, yeah.. ya love me.. it\’s just my way, you can\’t help it. but ya still owe me the ten bucks. friends or no friends. you better just count yer blessings I don\’t charge ya another ten for leaving a bitchy comment. oh, wait..you\’d go broke in a week if I did that.
     don\’t shake your head at me.
    hugs, love, and all that other shit, ya cute dork

  4. [wink] B~ you\’re a hoot …

  5. i find it very hard to be interested in other peoples old relatives..kinda depressing..and boring..and pointless..and pedantic.bring back manic mechiniccc. lol. lol. lol. lol. lmao..c.i.a. d.o.d. e.r.a. n.s.a.

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