The Book of Job

July 21, 2006 at 12:48 PM | Posted in Notes on Society | 7 Comments
First Book of Oldestgenxer
 
1  Obviously, God is not pleased.  Thusly, he looked down upon his children, enjoying their summer, playing in the pool, planning extra-marital affairs, cheating on their spouses and their taxes, and said, "Fuck ’em.
2  "Verily, my children are selfish assholes, and they are loud and disruptive and pissing me off.  Whenever this happens, a little fire and brimstone is in order.  Thus sayeth I, bitches."
3  And with that, God proceeded to smote everyone that pissed him off.  Trouble in the Mid-East?  They are pissing Him off royally.  It works, too, then that since Americans have lost sight of the precious love of the Lord, therefore God raised the price of gasoline. 
4  The Lord saw gas prices go up, and it was good.  "Take that, you non-resource-conserving fucks.  Hybrids my ass.  That won’t save you,"  spaketh the Lord.  "Only I can save you.  Or hydrogen."
5  And the Lord looked upon the face of the world, and thought to himself,"With whom have I not fucked lately?"
6  He looked at the Middle-East, and was satisfied with the turmoil there.
7  He looked at Africa, said softly to himself, "Oh, shit, did I do that?" and kind of hid his head and ducked out before anyone saw him.
8  He looked at Indonesia, and viewed the carnage from the tsunami.  But he put it on his "to do" list to make them change the name, or at least the spelling, of tsunami.
9  He looked at Australia, and remembered the World Cup.
10  And then he looked at America, at the the heartland, at the Midwest, and a broad smile crept across God’s face.  With a sarcastic smirk, God said, "So they think they are going to tear down my stadium and build a new ballpark in it’s place?  Ha.  Fuck that bullshit."
11  And God pondered what fun to reign down upon them.  He remembered the flood of 1993, and it brought a smile to his lips.  Slow, creeping, unrelenting.  Didn’t seem dangerous, but it was.  But God had done that parlor trick already, and didn’t like reruns.  He especially didn’t like summer, when all they show is reruns.
12  He has a particular vehemounce for Nick at Night and TV Land, which channels revel in the joy of showing reruns.  Those channels shall suffer greatly the wrath of the Lord, sayeth he.
13  But first things first.
14  And the idea was formed.
15  And the Lord spaketh:
16  The midwest, especially St Louis, because that is where my favorite fallen son, Bryan, resides, shall have visited upon its head the extreme of tortures.
17  And God looked through his recipe book.  "Plague of puppies and kittens? No, not quite what I’m looking for… .Green grass and high tides forever?  Not sure if that’s good or bad. . .Ah!  Here we go."
18  And the heat fell heavily upon them, like a retard off a ladder.  Loud, clumsily, and with little fanfare.  But very funny.
 
Second Book of Oldestgenxer
 
1  And as the heat fell heavily upon them, Bryan turned to the sky, and cursed it.
2  He cursed the heat, and the sky, and the Lord his God.  And he cursed afternoon television, and extended warrantees.
3  For while those things were not related, they really got his goat.
4  And upon hearing his name being cursed, the Lord God put down the remote and went to investigate.
5  And the Lord God looked upon the face of Bryan, and spaketh unto him, thusly saying,  "What gives, Duder?"
6  And Bryan replied, "Oh Lord, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?  Why dost thou rain these plagues upon me?"
7  And the Lord said, "Speak English, retard.
8  "But these visitations of my wrath do not fall soley upon your head, I have wreaked vengeance across the entirety of the land–"
9  And as the Lord spake, Bryan looked at him with the knowing eyes of one who has seen all manner of bullshit.
10  And the Lord laughed heartily and said, "Okay, you got me.  It is just you."
11  And Bryan asked, "Why, oh Lord, why?"
12  And the Lord’s face reddened, and he got up in Bryan’s face, and he sayeth unto him:  "Because you dissed me, dude.  You blame me for all the bad shit, but don’t give me credit for any of the good stuff in your life.  You hurt my feelings, goddammit."
13  Bryan looked down, even unto the ground, and kicked at it.  He spaketh lowly,  "Sorry, God, man.  Dude.  I just–you know, haven’t had any good shit lately, it’s been all bad."
14  The Lord God Almighty crossed his god-like arms in front of his god-like chest, and held forth in a god-like manner.  "Let’s run down the list, then, shall we?  Putz."
15  And Bryan recounted his troubles, like Job.
16  "First, the marital thing.  Wife is difficult to get along with, problems there, some other personal issues.
17 "Then, I’m broke, never have any money, I pay bills and I never can get ahead.
18  "My phone got stolen, and then a week later I lose a wheel on the interstate, so I have no way of calling anyone.  I walk.
19  "I have all of these cars, and all kinds of problems with them, all of which will be expensive to fix.
20  "Then, this heat wave rolls in, I already can’t take the heat, but then you knock out all the power, and I lay in a pool of sweat night after night, because it’s going to be a few days before the power is restored.  I work in excessive heat on my night job, I slept in my car last night, if you can call it sleep–"
21  And Bryan wound down, because God was rubbing his thumb and forefinger together, the universal sign of a tiny violin playing.  And God spake, saying,
22  "Are you done, Dude?  Crybaby.  Suck it up, take it like a man." And The Lord thusly counted on his fingers as he ticked off points.
23  "Problems with the wife are in great part your responsibility.  You married her.  You let her get that way.  you accepted it.  Dickhead.
24  "Money is a temporal thing, matters of this world only.  My early apostles were dirt poor.  But happy.  Learn to deal with it.  Dickhead.
25  "Your phone was stolen because you left the window down.  The wheel came off because you tightened the lugs too tight.  You have all these cars to work on because you are shitty at regular maintanence.
26  "And you brought this heatwave all on yourself as well.  Dickhead."
 
The Third and Final Book of Oldestgenxer
 
1 And Bryan pondered and thought, and asked God a question.
2 "So, God, let me ask you this, then.  You want me to be grateful unto you for all the good in my life, all of the blessings, all things wonderful, but NOT blame you for the bad shit?"
3  Thusly, it was the Lord’s turn to ponder, and he did, for two seconds, that being the right amount of time deemed to get the correct comedic response.  "Well, yeah."
4 "Who’s fault is it then?"
5  The Lord spaketh:  "I just told you, pay attention.  Verily I say unto you, that your problems are your own.  You are the master of your destiny, the captain of your tugboat.  I set up the game, but I do not play.  I referee at the end, and that’s about it."
6  Bryan asked the Lord, "Yeah, but–"
7  And the Lord, infinitely patient, waited.
8  And once more Bryan began to ask of the Almighty, "But doesn’t it–"
9  Still the Lord waited, with one eyebrow now raised, as Bryan began again, "Should I—?"
10  And the Lord of Hosts, the God of Infinite Mercy and Patience, tapped his foot and looked oh so casually at his Rolex.  Nothing but the best for The Almighty.
11  Bryan began again, and the Lord corrected him.
12  "Well, what about–"
13  "Listen, my son.  Take heed my word.  There are many instructions out in the world for living your life, in both written form, and books on tape.  Some are good, some are crap.
14  "Follow them, or don’t, it’s up to you.  Find a path, or waste your life; again, it’s up to you.
15 "But I say now that there IS an afterlife, there is a judgement, a grading, a divining.  The rules are not complex.  Try to be a good person, try to do right by people, try to make decisions you can live with.  I AM watching.  Live with that thought in mind.
16  "And change your oil more regularly.  THE ALMIGHTY GOD HAS SPOKEN!"
  
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7 Comments »

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  1. somebody seems just a tad bit cranky!
    and maybe, just possibly, a wee bit full of himself.
    my guess is that by next weekend you\’re gonna be feeling a whole lot better.
    hang in there… I read that the dickheads are working on restoring power.
     

  2. I like it, I really like it!

  3. I loved it so much that I read it twice. If my Ordained Preacher Father had taught from the Books of Oldestgenxer I may have understood more, and therefore not sowed so much that it hurt to reap!
    ;)t

  4. Gez B` I thought I was going blind – How about you turn a light  on in this place

  5. Nutball!
     
    Hugs,
    ~S4ssy

  6.  
    Mahhhhhhvelous!

  7. WOW!! 🙂 -patti


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