Dirty Little Secrets

October 4, 2006 at 1:08 PM | Posted in Notes on Society | 1 Comment
  Christ, I feel dirty.  I watched "Boston Legal" last night.  I heard a conservative commentator talking about the show, telling how they promote a subversive liberal agenda.  I was leery about watching it, because I just really didn’t feel like being subverted, I want to be entertained.  And, while being subverted can often be entertaining, it is much more entertaining to be the one doing the subverting.
  Creating propaganda for fun and profit–
  But I watched, enthralled by the promise of a calvacade of stars filling my screen.  It caught my attention the way something shiny on the side of the road does. 
  And then I was hooked, and it turned out the something shiny on the road was actually a piece of metal flung from the roadside pile-up I was about to witness.  For fuck’s sake, whatever happened to subtley?  This show was as subtle as my cock in your face.  What happens when you get a bunch of has-beens on the same stage?  They ham for the camera like the Three Stooges.  Candice Bergen.  Candice, what happened to ya?  She shouldn’t be a has-been.  I know I’d still fuck her.  But she is doing a parody of herself on the show.
  And of course, the all-time self-parody award goes to:  William Shatner.  He has actually reined in his over-acting skills on this show.  Although, another character characterized his character as a buffoon, which seemed to me to be the pot calling the kettle African-American.  Bill has no shame, mugging for the camera and overacting his lines like a William Shatner impersonator.  In fact, it could well be Frank Caliendo.  I mean, the guy has swollen in size.
  Speaking of swollen in size, what the hell happened to James Spader.  I hope I’m not supposed to take this clown seriously.  Christ, he’s the White Knight of Over-Acting Buffoonery.  He acts like he’s trying to act like an asshole who’s trying not to be an asshole so he’s acting like he’s hiding it and not doing a very good job.  Of any of it, especially the acting.
  And the show has dug up so many characters from the past that it’s like a museum of B television history.  One guy was on Benson, then Deep Space nine, that Rene Aubour-who’s-it.  Another character was a Ferengi on Deep Space nine and then played the abrasive principal on Buffy the vampire Slayer.  Now he’s an abrasive judge.  Seems like they are trying to revive in our psyche memories of the past, to create a comfort-food television, where the main characters always have something to bicker about, where they remind you of others that you knew (Moonlighting, anyone?) and ressurrecting the actors you are familiar with to give you a warm, cozy feeling.
  Like Tom Selleck, playing ex to Candice Bergen.  Tom Selleck is comfort food for many women (and men), with the rugged good looks and boyish charm.  I’d do Tom.  And Tom Selleck’s new wife bears a striking resemblance in look and perkiness to a character from Murphy Brown.  A few other side characters are Katy Sagal, whom we all remember from that one show, plus as a voice from Futurama.
  Another side character, who knows what his name is, was another character on Benson, back in the 70s.  Then, some of the young guys, one is supposed to remind us of the bearded guy from Home Improvement, and the other guy is supposed to remind us of a Mel Gibson combined with . . .shit, some other vaguely familiar guy.  I should have written this last night, when the name was on the tip of my tongue.
  Of course there is the obligitory smattering of namelesshot chicks.  And then we add the sexual tension.
  Between Bill Shatner and any chick, like this cute dwarf lawyer that’s on there now.  Between James Spader and Candice Bergen.  Between Bill and Candice.  Between Bill and James Spader.  Next week, they are going to wrestle over Candice.  Hopefully, they’ll end up patty-caking Candice.
  (Okay, patty-caking is a sexual term, let me explain.  In case you are in the awkward situation of being a member of a three way, specifically, a boy-boy-girl three way, as a man you want to limit not only the contact but also the proximity you have with the other man’s penis.  Therefore, some sexual positions may be more desireable than others.  To patty-cake, the men are on their knees facing each other, and the woman is on her hands and knees placed strategically between them, choice heads or tails.  This maximizes the distance between the men, but they still will be very awkwardly facing each other.  Not alot to do there.  Your kneeling there, doing your thing, having an intimate moment with the lady, and you look up, and there is the other guy, having an intimate moment as well, with the same lady.  You want to be jealous, you want to be mad at the woman for allowing this to happen, but you don’t even know her name, and, in fact, it was only your charisma and powers of persuasion that convinced HIM to share HIS date with you, and for her to agree to it.  You and the other dude look at each other.
  (You: "Hey, what’s up?"
  (He:  "Not much.  How’s it going?"
  (You:  "Doin’ alright.  Doin’ fine."
  (He:  "Cool.  Well, catch you later."
  (You:  "Yeah, man, later."
  (But you don’t see each other later, you see each other RIGHT NOW, because you are still there, nailing this chick from your respective ends.  The chick has no idea that this awkward situation has occurred, because the guys never break stride.  Never.  But they need to stop looking at each other.  Either that, or–
  (You:  "Duder!"
  (He:  "Hold up, dude, I’m concentrating.  Okay, what up?"
  (You:  "Want to play ‘patty-cake’?"
  (He:  "Okay."
  (Together:  "Patty-cake, patty-cake, baker’s man, bake me a cake–"
  (Doing this as you slap hands together.  Purely a heterosexual undertaking.  Honest.)
  My point is this, that this show proves that the end of civilization is nigh.  I need to set my TiVo.

1 Comment »

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  1. My mother loves that show. I watched it once and I can\’t stand william shatner so I can\’t watch it. I am more for ER and Gray\’s things like that.

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