A Good Idea on Paper

January 12, 2007 at 7:35 PM | Posted in Notes on Society | Leave a comment
  North Korea, that Utopian bastion of peace, freedom, and clear thinking, has found a unique solution, it thinks, for its starving millions:  Giant Rabbits.  Yeah, it’s in the news, look it up.
  The problem with this, however, is twofold:  first, rabbits eat a whole lot, and second, they are just so darned cute!  If they are so cute, how can you possibly eat them?  But wait–these are giant bunnies.  Maybe they aren’t that cute?  But what if they are deadly?  How big is a "giant" bunny, anyway?  Are we talking T. Rex size?  Or merely velociraptor size?  Can you imagine a flock of velociraptor- sized bunnies, charging at you?  Those ears flopping menacingly at you?
  And if regular bunnies eat a lot, how much more does a giant bunny eat?  They think they have a food shortage now, and the bunnies are going to eat all the greens they have left–
  Wait.  Wait a minute.  Greens.  Soylent Green.  Oh no!
  I’ve just uncovered a possible conspiracy.  On the outside, it looks like they want to bring bunnies into North Korea to feed the people, and alleviate the food shortage.  But if that’s true, why not get regular bunnies, and why not get them from closer to home, like Australia?  Australia is overrun with rabbits; they consider them vermin, like a fluffy-tailed rat.
  Speaking of rats, I smell one.  I think the actual plan is to import several giant bunnies, and have them EAT the North Koreans!  By their logic, if there are fewer people to feed, there won’t be a food shortage!  Kim Jong Il is one crafty little man.
  Then, they’ll keep the giant bunnies on, in the capacity of a unique weapon of mass destruction.  To thwart their enemies, they simply send some giant bunnies into the that country’s capital, like, say. . .Washington, DC!
  The capital of our own country, overrun by giant bunnies!  Our leaders, our senators and representatives, our judges, our white house–ravaged by giant bunnies!  Big floppy ears, covered in blood!  Oh, the humanity!

  My brother lives in the country.  Loves the country, the outdoors.  He fishes, he hunts, he has forty acres, he does all outdoors-y stuff.  A regular Daniel Boone.  Once, perhaps 20 years ago, he wanted to get into rabbit breeding.
  Yes, rabbits are cute and cuddly and fluffy–as long as you don’t feed them after midnight–but in the early days of the health food craze, and alternative diet crap, it was discovered that rabbits have very lean meat, high in protein, low in the various types of fat that are bad for you.  Plus–tasty!  Tastes like chicken!
  So my brother Carl got some pens and cages, got some bunny chow, got some rabbits, and started to breed them them like he was in Brazil during the cold war trying to create a Hitler clone.  He even made a sign and put it out front, "Bunnies for sale," with a cute, comical little bunny face drawn, complete with one ear flopped over, for effect..
  As I said, he lives in a rural area.  The town I grew up in, he still lives there.  Secluded, as most small towns in southern Illinois are.  Four miles to the highway to the north, two miles to the highway to the south.  When certain cars roll through, you know you are dealing with an out-of-towner.
  A white Cadillac rolled through town slowly, stopping at the stop signs.  All of that just screamed, "I’m not from here!"  The hapless driver, a woman, sees the ‘Bunnies for sale" sign and pulls in.
  Carl is watching though the window, and sees a middle-aged, sophisticated, made-up, well-dressed, city-type fancy woman get out,  looking for purchase in the slightly muddy grass and rock with her designer heels.  She lowers her sunglasses and looks around.  The way my brother tells it, imagine her wearing a mink stole.  Or holding a small dog. Or both.
  Thinking quickly, Carl takes off his khakis and designer shirt, puts on his overalls.  Leaves one button undone.  No shoes.  He strolls outside.
  Through the course of the conversation, she intimated that she would like to purchase a cute little bunny as a pet for her daughter.  Despite the signage, however, Carl was selling these rabbits as food.  She wished to peruse the merchandise.  Carl led her through his backyard, through mud, plywood on the ground, some hunting dogs on chains, through a shed that was about to fall over.
  The lady bent over and looked at them, cooing and "awe-ing" at them,  "They’re all so cute!" she exclaimed.  Finally, she picked one while Carl stood on, patiently waiting.  "That one!  The cute little white one."
  "This one?"
  "Yes.  That one."  As Carl reached in and grabbed it out, she continued, "My daughter will love th–"
  Her sentenced ended with a choke and a scream as Carl pulled the rabbit from the cage in one smooth motion, grabbed it by the head with one hand and the body in the other, and twisted the head.  Twisted it OFF.
  Carl looked at her as though he didn’t understand, as she screamed, kept screaming, shook her head and arms all over like she was having a seizure, and ran awkwardly though the yard back to her car.  She was still screaming as she drove off.
  My brother laughed for quite a while.

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