TangerineSeptember 22, 2007 at 12:28 PM | Posted in Personal | 3 Comments
Sounds funny, doesn’t it? My thought is basically that I’ve been thinking too much.
I read over past blog articles, and I noticed a trend of where I spill my thoughts, pour my heart out, blah blah blah. And then later, come back and do it again, slightly differently…
But the point is, once I do it on a certain topic, or feeling, or whathaveyou, I should be done with that, right? Well, to be fair, I have been through a lot in the last year. But no excuses. I’ve been introspective, I’ve thought about it, I’ve had *feelings*, and I should have come to some level of resolve or absolution.
And I have.
I mean, I think I have. Kinda.
Thinking is one of the most inexpensive past times you have. Unless you keep coming up with stupid ideas that are expensive to implement but go ahead and do them anyway. Barring that, it’s a relatively cheap form of entertainment.
But I’ve been actively thinking about my problems, and trying to come up with a solution, or solution*s* to them. I feel like it’s within my grasp.. . .
And then other things come along that make me want to rake the sand and start over.
I’ve been riding to work with Bunny–my friend Kim. We have been friends for a long, long time. Longer, in fact, than any of my childhood friendships have lasted. You think it’s forever, but your teen years are only so long….
I’ve known her since ’91 or ’92. At least 15 years, then. I have worked for her, numerous times, and she for me. We have done things for each other than no one else would or could at times. I hold some of her secrets, and she holds mine.
I remember when she was going through a particular thing that I can’t talk about, and she said she had always looked to me for moral guidance, a standard.
Yeah, I know. I had the same stunned look on my face. Mayhaps I was at one time, not sure if I am now. And that’s the point of my reflection: how far off the path have I gone? Do I have it in me to regain it?
Go back and read in my archives last year, sometime between May and September, "Faith of Our Fathers." The story of Samson, from the Bible, returns to haunt me yet again. How moral do I have to be? How moral can I be? The barbed wire fence that helped contain me before was "For the Children." But they aren’t around me alot anymore. I can be good when my daughter is here. . .but other than that, how good do I have to be?
My friend Kim seems to be on a higher moral plane–a higher spiritual path–than I am currently. I’ve never been exceptionally spiritual, but I’ve had my moments, and I do believe.
The bottom line I think I may be trying to meander to in a vague sort of way is, do I think I may ever return to church?
I’ve always maintained that I still believe, and I still have my testimony. But I have shied away from participating, partly from my guilty conscious and partly for concern about Kim (my girlfriend.)
Or fiance now, as is fit and proper. After we are married, all legal and everything, I could return to church sans quite a load of personal baggage, although it seems to matter to me less now. She wouldn’t have to go if she didn’t wanna, and she has stated that yeah, she don’ wanna. I’m probably as okay with that as she would be with me going back. . .
To be clear, I wouldn’t be going back to church over guilt. No, really. It’s more of a . . ..ugh, God, I don’t know. A longing? Kind of like the feeling when you need a cigarette, you know? You’re not sure what the craving is, but when you light up, everything is better.
And some of my personal habits are not that enlightening, and over all I just feel like I am on the wrong side of the moral yellow brick road. The thought that occurred to me (yes, Detroit, these thoughts do occur to me) was that this hobby/career that I am attempting is definitely a less-than-holy endeavor. Comedy, and the lifestyle related to it–show biz, night clubs, alcohol, loose women (if I’m lucky), and questionable morals–are not going to Draw Me Nearer My God To Thee.
My own material is offensive as hell. Now, I do want to "mainstream" it a bit. .. if I can. And for moral reasons, but for saleability. I do know that what I have done so far on stage would not meet the prudish approval of my ex. That is not the yardstick by which I wish to be measured, however.
There is a balance. I guess what I am questioning is my own integrity. Do I have any left? Did I ever? Can I go this far, and no further? How far is far? How high is too high? More importantly, I suppose: How low is too low?