A Tale of Two Bellies

March 5, 2008 at 9:35 PM | Posted in Journal | 1 Comment
Back when my ex was married to me….
I feel like telling a story.  Back when I was freshly married, young and stupid–
  [And by the way, I’m not much smarter now.  Just older.  Some things change, but others don’t.  The body changes.  Now, I need porn, viagra and a fluffer to get a hard on.  But when I was 22–
  [I could do pushups with no hands.  Do I need to explain that to you?]
  The Storm was pregnant.  I think back to that time and realize I gave her a pass for being a psycho bitch when she was pregnant.  But she was that way for 20 more years….
  She was considered a high-risk pregnancy.  She was older (31?  Doesn’t seem to old), it had been 14 years since she had had a kid, and she had epilepsy.  Three strikes.  No insurance, so we went to the city hospital.  By definition, a god-forsaken shithole.  Anyway, those nine months of her pregnancy were the longest three years of my life, after 5th grade.  Like 5th grade, I feel like I’m repeating myself.  I’ve told this story before…..Look in the archives for July of 06, or 07.  I believe 06.
   (I didn’t actually flunk 5th grade, nor any grade, children–not till college.  This is artistic license, okay?)
  Anyway, the condensed version, the part I wanted to get to:  We took
the birthing classes, and that was fun.  It was one of those occasions
where my life was actually like a sitcom.  So, for one of the classes,
they show the movie.  The birthing movie.  We’re all sitting there in
front of the TV, and watching.  It’s interesting, and I’m fine.  Then they get to the part where they do the episiotomy.  They cut her to get the baby out.  The screen (my own person screen) starts to go dim and close in on me.  I thought I was making loud noises, like, "OHHH!  WHOOOAAA!  OHHH!  AAHHHHH!!!  OHH!!!!!"
  But it turns out I was just moaning a little and no one could hear me.  Until I fell on the floor.
  So I come to with a cold wet towel on my head, and someone hands me a cup of water.  All eyes are on me.  I usually crave attention, but–
  And there was The Storm, sitting there, looking annoyed and also scared and upset.  Here was her partner, her rock, her what-have-you for the birth, and I had passed out from the movie.  I was the savior for the other men, I know.  Because they could always say, "At least I didn’t do that…."

  There you go, MrS SkRuMshZ.  A little present for ya.

1 Comment »

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  1. i am sure that Kenny will be fine…i imagine that the Dr might have to ask him to move out of his way…pretty sure that my rock will stay a rock…guess we will find out…i mean i did think my brother was going to pass out and he didn\’t….
    *~* :o) everyone smiles in the same language… :o) *~*

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