If It Keeps On Raining–June 28, 2008 at 3:50 AM | Posted in Personal | 1 Comment
I’ve had a rough 24 hours.
You know, I’ve had to come to terms with a couple of things about myself. People who know me well know how I am. Am I lazy? No. Well, yeah, kind of. But it is more like a mental illness, I swear to God. I have things that I *HAVE* to do, things that *MUST* be done, things that are of vital importance.
And I can’t do them. Won’t touch them. Put it off, put it off, put it off. Until it’s too late, and then I try to get it done and make up for it? I think I learned my lesson once and I’ll never do it again, ever. I promise. Until next time.
Often my bill are late. My credit is a bit….wonky. Hell, I put off leaving my ex wife for 19 years.
I feel that if I actually do have ADD–something I’m willing to accept but not necessarily do anything about–then the most prevailing symptom presenting is the~~
I swear to God I have no idea what I was going to say.
It seems like I put off living my life, as well. I hearken back to a time when I made the decision to go for it, and it was the hardest thing I ever did. But also the best. On one hand, we have such precious little time left to accomplish anything…
On the other, a long Sunday afternoon with nothing to do can drag on for an eternity. Douglas Addams wrote of it: The long dark teatime of the soul. So much time that it seems like you can do anything you want, so you don’t do anything until you are out of time, and then there’s no time to get anything done. It’s pathetic, this life I lead.
I do some of the stupidest, most insane things…and I can trace the origin of those things back to my parents. I just bought a golf bag a few weeks ago. Granted, it only cost a two bucks (church yard sale), but–I don’t play golf. I don’t have any golf clubs. I haven’t played in over twenty years.
My parents were collectors of the finest junk around. Mom hoarded stuff like a post-apocalyptic pack rat. As it turns out, so did Dad. And so do I. My stuff is all over at my dad’s house, in his garage. With his stuff, which is now mine.
And hoarding things is just a way of putting something off. You’re putting off getting rid of useless crap. Putting off making a decision about whether or not you really need it. Putting off…dealing.
I’d like to say that now that I have really realized this, come to terms with it, and accepted it, that I will now make a fresh start, a new dawn. A change. Yessirree, Bob, a brand new me, one that doesn’t put things off any more–
But I know what I am like, and so if I put anything off it’ll be that whole "change" thing. Why put off till tomorrow what you can put off until the day after?
After all, I am the one who puts the "pro" in "procras.."
I’ll finish it later.