I Still Want A Hoola-Hoop

December 4, 2008 at 1:42 AM | Posted in Personal | 2 Comments
Dear Militant Atheist Assholes,

  So, it’s on again.  I admit that I come at it from a Christian perspective, even though I’m pretty weak in that area–But I also come at it from a traditional perspective.  There are people who are not Christians who like Christmas for the traditions it represents.
  Is that wrong?  Nope, not one bit.  And I am being honest about the side from which I originate my opinion.
  However, the atheists and anti-religionists are not being honest.  First, they say there is no "war on Christmas."  However, since they are at war with all things religious, and Christmas has at its core a religious component, of course they are at war with it.  They may not all want to change it–and they may not want to change it all–but they would certainly feel more comfortable with the religious component extracted.  Am I wrong?  No, I’m not.
  And why not?  It is a natural human emotion to want your own personal beliefs have some sort of approval, to have that affirmation of society.  If other people believe as I do, it has validity.  And so, if I’m an atheist, I want to proselytize my beliefs.
  And after all, it is just a belief.  Just as my faith is just a belief.  Of course they say, "No, no, no!  I have science and reason and blah blah blah on my side."  Still, you don’t really know, do you?  That’s the whole point.  Until you die, you DO NOT KNOW.  So profess your assuredness in your "knowledge."   That’s completely cool.  Be as smug as you want.  I’m not here to convert you–if you’re a militant atheist asshole, I don’t want you in Heaven with me.  There will be enough dumbasses there as it is.
  See, another thing is–the argument is endless.  But you can’t change my beliefs and I don’t want to change yours.  Like I said, I don’t like you and I sure as shit don’t want to spend eternity with you.  Or even a long elevator ride.  Fuck.
  But you can’t change my mind because my belief and my faith have…evolved.  Don’t bother explaining the inconsistencies in the Bible, or try to throw in my face what other believers have done and said.  The Bible has been through a couple of thousand years of rewrites, editing, translation, copying, and political conspiracy.  I know the history of it.  Hell, the first draft of this letter is vastly different from how it turned out.  Will this be scripture in a thousand years?  Yeesh.  I bet you didn’t turn out how your parents had hoped for, either.
  And just as you protest loudly when you are compared to other heathens, I don’t need to be compared to the worst example of believers you can dig up.  It’s just a game. 
  So why bother?  Why say anything?  Because too often, Christians bend over and take it from you.  Turn the other cheek, or whatever.  Other times, the ones that do take you on are evangelical brainwashed morons, trained in "tactics."  I’m here to talk to you in a language that you can understand, and say that I see you for who you really are, and I call bullshit.
  Of course, the real Christian thing to say is, "I see you for who you are, and I love you."  But I’m a little more blunt, a little more honest.  I don’t like you.  I’ll tolerate you, up to a point.  If I turn the other cheek, it’ll be because I’m spinning around to kick your squishy forehead.
  What this is all about is this ridiculous "inclusion" theory about Christmas.  It is a tactic.  It starts this way:  For politically correct purposes, we can’t leave people out.  We have to be inclusive.  We don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.
(Unless, of course, they are Christians, in which case we like the ancient Roman practice of throwing them to the lions.  Can we start doing that again?)
  In the spirit of "inclusion," a group of dedicated but retarded atheists have demanded that they be allowed to place a placard denouncing all religion right next to a nativity scene in the Capital building in the state of Washington.  For Christmas.  Is that necessary?  Honestly?  Go get a fucking job already.
  No, see, it’s free speech, and blah blah blah.  Also, since it denigrates Christianity, it’s totally fine.  We as atheists are very cool and aloof in an ironic fashion.  But here’s why the asshole atheists are wrong, and here’s why inclusion is wrong:
  Let’s apply inclusion to other holidays.  In the interest of free speech, of course, we let the KKK have a float and give out candy at the Martin Luther King Jr parade.  Wait–I think we may have seen some of that.  They handed out white chocolate.
  Then, let’s apply it to the Fourth of July.  If people can put out their flags and celebrate America’s independence, people who want the United States destroyed should be able to burn flags, or put up signs that say "Down with America,"  "Dissolve the Constitution," "Let the NWO take over."  Come to think of it…people already do some of that, too.
  How about on Veteran’s Day, in the parade where we honor our troops, how about a float that says, "The military sucks"?  "Down with the Army."  "No more Marines."  "Bravery is over-rated."
  Maybe we haven’t come this far…yet.  But soon.  But you do see, if you are clear thinking, that just because a thing is allowed because of our Constitution certainly doesn’t make it tasteful.  It doesn’t make it right, it just makes it allowed. 
  How about on Arbor Day–does some one want to protest against trees?  Should they be given equal access?  Someone going to protest President’s Day?  I mean, besides the whacked-out conspiracy-theorist friends I have who claim that George Washington was not actually the first president, but he was replaced by a double that was a ringer for the Free Masons and the Illuminati.  Probably an alien lizard as well.  Yeah, we definitely need to give the fringe equal access.
  We’ve come far enough that some people want to not celebrate Thanksgiving and instead have a "National Day of Mourning."  Here’s why I can’t join in with the bleeding hearts on this one:  We won.  The Indians can have a day of mourning, and I respect them for that.  But not us.  We won.  I wouldn’t go so far as to say we should dance an "In your face" jig–giving thanks, eating alot, and having the day off is just fine with me.  (Yes, I called them Indians.  I won’t call them Native Americans, because this is a rant.  I like "Aboriginals."  You like that?  Really, that’s what they are.)
  In theory, at least, this country is a Republic.  So, more or less, what the majority decides upon is how things should be.  The whiny little bitches in the minority need to suck it up.  And you atheists are the whiny little bitches in the minority.  Let us celebrate our Christmas–you get the day off, so shut the fuck up.  Let us celebrate our Easter–it’s a more solemn time, but it’s much less intrusive on your amoral twisted lie of a life.  If just the fact that it exists is enough to set you off, take a pill.  Take alot of them, with alcohol.  Then freebase.  Then jump off a roof.  I believe you can fly.
  The desire to make Christmas "inclusive" oddly enough only applies to Christmas.  Because people might be offended.  If you are offended by Christmas, you need a sulfuric acid enema.  Whys is it that I don’t have to put up a menorrah or whatever it is on Memorial Day when I’m busy barbequing and drinking beer?  Have your own fucking holiday.  Call it Atheists and Assholes Day.  Hell, I’ll put up a tree and celebrate it too.  Have it in August, because their isn’t much going on that month.  I could go for a three-day weekend.  I might even get some Asshole gifts.  And hey, would we be allowed to put up displays of our dissenting point of view at your special little holiday?  Hmmm?  What was that?
  And so, in conclusion, if you’re an atheist who wants all mention of God removed from everything just because YOU don’t believe in it, try to remember that no matter how bright and shiny your charming personality may be, the world doesn’t revolve around you, so go fuck yourself.  TTFN.



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  1. somebody\’s got a tree up their butt, I see.and, excuse me, but Christmas was originally a Pagan holiday that was stolen by the Christians so they could celebrate and join in the fun. Just remind the atheists about THAT and all is good.btw – you\’re adorable when you\’re pissed offlove you!

  2. Oh, I\’m not angry. Yet. Don\’t make me angry, Kim. You wouldn\’t like me when I\’m angry…

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