Purina Chick Chow

February 13, 2009 at 10:47 PM | Posted in The Corporate World | Leave a comment
  I swear I tried.  I went in there twice, looking–hoping–for something that I would be able to stand to eat.  Aargh.
  Here at the bank, we’ve been busy, and so the bosses provide little things for us, like letting us wear jeans on Friday (hooray for all the fine looking chicks with fine looking asses here in the office!) and occasionally provide food.  Like today, it was suppose to be a Mexican food thing, but instead, we went with an alternate vendor.  Crazy Bowls and Wraps?  Heard of them? 
  Maybe you have, maybe you haven’t.  Whatever.  In line at our lunch room, people are walking out with plates, and the stuff looks odd.  But I get in there, and I honestly–okay.  A "wrap" is when you make a "sandwich" but put something around it other than bread, like a soft tortilla, or a big ass leaf of lettuce, or a cow turd.
  There were a couple of trays filled with different wraps.  The first wraps were lettuce and rice and cucumber wrapped in a tortilla.  The next wraps were chicken and rice and cucumber wrapped in lettuce.  And it was token chicken, too.  Like they added a little to call themselves diverse.  Like the one black guy on MASH.  Or the one white guy on In Living Color.  Or the one Asian chick on Gray’s Anatomy.  The last one had cucumber and lettuce wrapped in rice, or some ridiculous shit like that.  They had different colored corn chips, with a weird, chunky-looking salsa.  They even provided desert–rice crispy cakes that they managed to ruin by putting something odd in them.  It might have been cucumber as well.
  Christ.  I feel like a vegetarian in a slaughterhouse.  That’s some irony for ya right there, I don’t care who you are.
  Carol from the title company notices my unhappiness and says, "It’s good for you; try it."
  I measured my words carefully.  "Do I *look*… like I *care*… about whether or not it is good for me?"
  I went in again after the crowd died down to look at the selection again.  It’s free food, so I am honor-bound to have some.  But I looked closely, carefully at everything there was to offer…fuck this.  Morgan, sitting next to me, said, "Maybe if you tried it, you might like it." 
  I answered, "Maybe if I had a vagina, I might like it."
  I have never used the word "ridiculous" to describe food before.  But this shit is ridiculous.
  We are going out tonight.  For some goddamn meat, even if I have to kill and eat a homeless person.
  Hmmmm…homeless people…

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