Loan Shark

July 10, 2009 at 6:43 PM | Posted in Journal | Leave a comment
  The final phase of this simple 18-step plan is very taxing.  To recap: 
  -First, we worked on both houses, especially our new one, to get them ready to pass inspection
  -Second, we got them inspected.  They didn’t pass, but
  -Third, we moved anyway.
  -Fourth, we fixed the things that needed to be fixed for re-inspection, including shelling out over a grand for electical work, and we went beyond the specified date.
  Fifth, a minor thing, was changing over all the utilities.  I don’t think we’re even done with that–I don’t think we’ve changed the water over yet.  The sewer will wait until the name on the property changes.
  Or not–  Which I will explain when I get to the current situation.

  Last, but not in the least, is getting a new loan.  I have a HELOC (in the parlance of our times–a Home Equity Line Of Credit) on the old house that I need to parlay into a mortgage on the new house.  Also, I need to get some cash out to pay for various things, most of them government related and all of them making me lean between libertarian and anarchist.
  The difficulties surrounding this reach far into the past.  Back to 1996, the last year I had money.  Followed by 1997, the year I started to slide deeper and deeper into the hole.
  A few years later–maybe 2000, I think–we did credit counseling, and that really helped.  I highly recommend it to anyone with lots of credit card debt.  Actually, I highly recommend you not ever get a fucking credit card ever.
  My friend Bunny did help me get my first home equity loan and consolidate the rest of the debt, and then also use the rest as a down payment to buy a new house.  Aaarrgghh–okay, when I think about it, this pisses me off.  Of roughly 64 thousand in debt, about half of it–30–was the down payment on the house that my ex now has.  About 20 was stuff we bought for the house that she now has–new appliances, new furniture.  I miss that stove, dammit.  The rest?  We paid cash for a car that went to hell, and about 15k paid off our old debt.  If I knew then what I knew now, I would have spent about 2 grand on a high priced hooker.  Or 1500 on a cheaper one, and keep her for two weeks.
  So when you think about it (and I don’t–not very often, anyway), portions of this debt I have extends back to about 15 years ago, and all I’ve done since then is pay on the interest.
  So my credit rests on a rocky beach.  The tide has come up, but instead of lifting the boat, it merely covers the deck and water rushes in through the holes in the hull.  It has improved vastly, but the days of every undeserving incompetent asshole getting a loan are apparently over for now.  Now they actually *look* at my credit.  Hell, it’s a hundred points higher than it was and it’s tougher to get the loan.
  The housing market itself doesn’t help, either.  In good times (like two years ago, before the bubble burst) my old house, though small, was appraised at 90k.  Applying those same standards, the new house should be about 130 to 140.  But that was then–
  –And this is now.
  We’ll just see what it appraises at.  In the meantime, because I want cash out, The PTB (either "Powers that be" from Angel, or "pointy haired boss" from Dilbert) wants to do a cross-collateral with my old house.  That means that for the next year or until I can refinance, they want a lien on my old house as well.  That means it has to be in me and my sister’s name, not just hers.  I thought that was a good idea anyway, to keep her from doing something stupid and losing the house.  Let me be the one to do something stupid and lose *both* houses.
  One of the good things to come out of this is homeowners insurance.  I need to carry it on both properties.  As is stands, I don’t actually have it on either house, which is a bit scary.  As I write, I am waiting for a fax back from the insurance company about the details.  It seems a little high, but I think after a year I can shop around and get it cheaper.
  And this is why the sewers may stay in the names they are in.  My name is going to be on both houses.  Of course, I owe about 700 dollars on one of the sewer bills. 
  You know, even with the cash out, it’s not going to be that big of a mortgage.  Less than a hundred thousand, I’m sure.  For most people, that’s not that big of a deal–
  [A big peeve of mine is those shows on HGTV and so forth that can only film in California.  My old house–the 3 bedroom, no basement, 960 square foot ranch–that is worth 90k here and anywhere in the Midwest would not be over 150 is nevertheless worth close to half a million fucking dollars in California.  And–and–here’s the kicker–people pay it.  This is absolute positive proof to me that everyone living in California is fucking insane.  They are either aliens, or they are insane, or they are going have their brains eaten by aliens.  Fuck me running.]
  –I just want to get it refinanced quickly.  Very quickly.  This first loan is going to be a 3-1 ARM.  I have to wait a year, I think, before I can refi it FHA.  I need to get that done before hyper inflation kicks in.  Believe me, Obama is not doing us any favors.  Before the end of this first term, I predict his new agenda will be to postpone cannibalism.
  I hope he succeeds.


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