Open For Bidness

October 2, 2009 at 9:14 PM | Posted in Journal | Leave a comment
  Time for a look back, because this is how my mind works.  Stop me if you’ve heard this before.  I mean, if you think you can.
  Back in 19 and…shit, when was it?  It was the early, early 90s.  I lived in Jennings, and we had new neighbors.  My old neighbor, the last white guy besides me in the neighborhood, worked hard to sell his house so he could move, because Jennings was (oh, and still is–don’t kid yourself) a shithole.  He even cut my small front yard for me, to make everything look better.
  So enter the new family.  A typical black extended family, with a single mom, a couple of kids from various baby-daddies, a shiftless uncle, and maybe a cousin with a baby as well.  They were nice people who felt so relieved to move out of the dangerous neighborhood in Wellston into this nice, suburban utopia.
  Boy, did their Realtor ever lie to them.
  I was working at Domino’s at the time, of course, and since we closed at one AM I slept later than the typical 7 or 8 o’clock in the morning.  I would sleep until 10 or so if I could, depending on the child.  Mitchell was a baby, sleeping in his crib, when I got this call about 8 o’clock in the morning from the oldest son next door, Anthony.  Anthony was in his early to mid 20s, which put his mom at about mid-30s.  I’m not cynical, I’m a realist.
  "Bryan."  He said it quickly, like a one-syllable word.
  "I got a quession for ya.."
  "*Who* is this?"
  "It’s Amfony!"  He said it like I should recognize his voice.  Hell, I don’t even recognize it when my wife would call.  I had barely spoken with this guy.  We were hardly BFF.  And like I said, it was early.
  And yes, his name is Anthony.  And yes, he did pronounce it this way:  "Amfony."
  I rolled up, took a wake-up deep breath.  "What’s up?"
  You had to hand it to Amfony.  He was a go-getter.  An entrepreneur.  Since he was having trouble finding work, he was going to start his own company.  "I’m gonna start my own lawn-care bidness.  I’m writing out what I want on my bidness card right now."
  "Oh, good."
  "Yeah.  So, how do you spell ‘bidness’?  It’s B-I-D- something, right?"
  Only my lack of sleep kept me from the clarity of seeing the extreme humor of this.  In retrospect, I should have said, "Yes.  It’s B-I-D-N-E-S-S.  Bidness."  It’s the kind of thing you would see on the intarwebs:

Amfony’s Lawn Ker

And Shit

I will hook you
up fat, Dog.

Gimme a Holla



I guess I was nicer back then.  Instead of fucking with him, I corrected him
on it, but I don’t think he
believed me, though.

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