Battle Royale

October 16, 2009 at 5:10 PM | Posted in Personal | Leave a comment
Long about October 13 or 14th, I think…
  I figure I needed to take down these notes, since this is something I said the other day.  Speaking of which, there is something I said the other day that I want to remember, and I don’t think this is it.  I think I forgot what it was.  So, if anyone can remind me, that would be great.  Thanks.

  The first thing is about Deja Vu.  But first, a joke:
  ADD-ja-vu:  Where you get the strange feeling that you’ve been distracted before.

This particular style of Deja vu used to happen to me regularly when I was a teenager.  VERY regularly.  Didja ever have Deja vu?  You know what it is, right?  Basically, something happens to you that is familiar, like you saw it in a dream.  Right?  Ever have that?
  Okay, now:  ever have that feeling where this seems familiar, and you realize that you are *about* to have that deja vu moment?  It’s coming up, but it hasn’t happened yet?  No, yes?  Some of you?  Very few?  Okay.
  So have you ever been in that situation, and saw what was coming and what you were about to say or do, and then…you tried to change it?
  Did it work?
  Because it doesn’t for me.  I do something different from what I thought I was going to do, and it turns out that my memory was just fuzzy, and what I ended up doing was what was originally in the deja vu to begin with.  I just remembered it wrong.
  The thing about it is, though, is that the "wrong" deja vu memory lingered as well.  Almost like they were alternate universes that branched off at different decisions.
  Wow.  I’ve never actually written this down.  If it wasn’t for the fact that when this stuff happened it was completely and utterly mundane events I would think this is a great sci-fi story idea.  In fact I may still use it.
  But I wrote about this as an example of how I, on a daily basis, battle with my brain.

  I just remembered what the other thing was that I wanted to remember, and it is ever so lightly related to this.  There are different levels of consciousness.  There are also different levels of unconsciousness as well.  I guess that is just a different end of the same scale.  But I wanted to enumerate and identify them, or at least some of them.  I’m sure I’ve experienced several of them.
  Just as a for instance, did you ever wake up from a dream and you were still in another dream?  I think those were two separate layers.  Just like daydreaming, if deep and vivid, is another.  There are more.  There is the whole "in the zone" thing, and some other stuff I want to research about this.  This has nothing to do with my potential ADD.  I swear.

  But I do battle with my brain all the time.  Not just distractions–hell, that’s preschool shit.  I’m talking about my brain thinking of…
  Let me put it this way.  I don’t have a multiple personality disorder, I think.  The big clue there is that I don’t have any missing time and I never wake up wearing odd clothes and wondering where I’ve been and what I’ve been doing, other than that one time.
  But there is alot of noise up here (this is me, tapping my skull).  You talk to yourself?  Really?  I have a mix between a committee meeting and a classroom and a bachelor party going on in my head all the time.  I can hear music right now.  I can feel several minds looking over my shoulder at what I am writing.  Someone is narrating this, and a few are arguing, with one of them at a chalk board.  The guys sitting at the table are drawing architectural plans and putting together remodeling ideas (for the house, not my brain.)  Someone else is rifling through my story ideas for me, editing and taking notes and planning characters.
  Another clown is surfing the web for porn.
  They are all in my head talking at the same time.  And they keep grabbing the microphone away from one another, so I hear each one of them in turn.  The guy watching porn doesn’t say much; he’s busy.

  Maybe all of that is an exaggeration, because when I say it like that it does sound like a multiple personality.  It’s not, it’s just me.  Several of them, but they are all me.  And they all want to do several different things all at once.  Very often, that’s why I procrastinate.  I want to do so much that part of me sees the futility in it and knows that I’ll never get it done, so why bother?  Other times I get pulled in different directions so badly that I end up spinning my wheels.  A year and a half ago–more or less–I had a similar situation where I wasn’t working as much, and it drove me batty because I had too much time on my hands and all I was doing was wasting it.
  This time, at least, I approached it with a plan, plus it was the time of year where I feel really constructive, plus I had a small chunk of money coming my way to do some projects with.  I look at the calendar now and see that it is about two weeks since I got fired.  What in the hell have I been doing?  I know I got some things done, mostly last week.  I haven’t done much this week, except for Monday.  Tonight we are going out.  This weekend I expect to frame me up some drywall, righteously.  if I get this accomplished, it will make me feel like I didn’t waste the week, when all I did is stuff everybody does.
  I still haven’t fixed the sink.

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