ADD Update

February 2, 2010 at 11:14 PM | Posted in Journal | Leave a comment
  As in, ADD update.  I saw the shrink in November, and against my initial wishes I got a prescription.  At the end of November I saw him again, and we decided to up the dose slightly.  It was working, but we wanted to get more out of it.  Kind of a "higher octane" deal, I think.
  The month of December seemed to work out pretty damn good for me, as well as most of January.  I got into the habit of not taking it on the weekend, but with the radio show starting up I needed to take it on Saturday at least. 
  You start getting used to it, and you know…like a child, I adapt easily to a new situation.  I got used to getting things done and not forgetting crap and not procrastinating and not getting sleepy and bored in the middle of the afternoon.
  And then…I start to run out of pills. 
  It’s a controlled substance, so I have to have a hand-written script, so I have to go see the doctor.  However, since I’m running out of pills, I lack the desired motivation to make the call and see the doctor.  Once again, I seem to be caught in the middle of a vicious cycle.
  Just the other day–Sunday–Detroit said to me, "You need to get your script filled.  I got used to you getting things done."
  I tried to act indignant.  "Oh really?  You don’t love the real me, you love the drugged up me, is that it?"
  "I fell in love with the normal you–well, not normal.  The regular you.  But the drugged you is better."
  And I guess I feel that way as well.  I called the doctor yesterday and got an appointment for the 15th.  But they wrote out a new script that I can go and pick up.  So today, I took my last pill, the one I had been holding onto for a week.
  Again, it’s a controlled substance.  It’s a time-released amphetamine of some kind.  After taking it for a two months, I was able to go for a week without taking it, with no ill effects, other than I returned to my natural state of being–and nobody wants that. 
  While I was taking it, I must confess that in the morning I would drive to work and briefly think "I’m going to take my pill when I get to work."  Is that addiction talking to me, or just me planning my day?  I do like the feeling I get when I take it.  It strikes the fine balance between being perfectly in control of everything and tripping my balls off on acid.
  I feel I have to document this in case we have a problem later.  I guess it’s better than some people I know with bipolar disorders that don’t like to take their meds.  At least I like mine.  I just hope I don’t come to like it too much.  And I would like to see a time when I can be off of it, so I need to use this time to help develop the tools that everyone else uses to manage their time and their lives and their tasks well.
  And let me add a point about procrastination:  maybe you feel that when you’re on a medication that’s addictive, you can feel it talking to you–like "I want I want" or "Take me take me take me."
  But I have so many voices in my head right now that those don’t matter.  What the medicine does is act like a teacher.  It makes everyone in my head sit in their seats, keep their hands to themselves, and do their work.
  Without it, I noticed this on Sunday:  The guy that sits in the back of the class–the lazy one that’s always late and never turns in his work on time–the one who puts the "pro" in procrastination–when my medicine wears off and the teacher leaves for the day, that asshole is in charge, and he’s the loudest.  I can hear him say–I swear I hear this voice say, "You can do that later.  Don’t do it now.  Do it later.  More time later.  Don’t do it now."
  That fucking voice lives in my head.  He must be stopped.
  And it’s just little things that I notice, but I know it affects big things, too.  Little things, like over the past two weeks I quit hanging my coat in the closet regularly, or all of them.  And losing my hat and gloves and not bringing my dishes back to the kitchen.  Little things like that.  On my medication, I am better about doing those things.
  If I had known what a big symptom procrastination is for ADD, I might have seen a doctor YEARS ago.
  Then again, maybe not…

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