Multiple Diagnoses

June 8, 2010 at 10:14 PM | Posted in Personal | Leave a comment
  In a case of deja vu all over again, here I am, going stir crazy.  Again.
  I remember writing about this once before when I was down to just one job, or just two but not working much on the second one.  I don’t remember.  The point is, I had too much time on my hands and started going bat-shit crazy.  BSC.
  Just a little while ago, I stood up and started pacing.  My mind was racing and my fingers were flexing with a twitch-like speed.  It was nine o’clock at night, and I needed something to do.  Fuck me.
  Detroit and I talked about it.  Sadly, she’s gotten to know me pretty well.  The bottom line is, I know why some people die shortly after they retire.  I’m going to have to work for the rest of my life, if only for my sanity.
  You know, I see some people…who can just sit.  Sit and watch TV, or sit and read, or just sit and veg.  For days on end.  Hell, *years* on end.  Her oldest son the troll would take root where he sits if he didn’t have to occasionally go to the bathroom or forage for food in the middle of the night like some kind of fucking nocturnal sloth.
  Her mom sits down and then there she sits.  That’s all she wrote right there. 
  And I know that normal people lead active lives, and so that is what I should be doing.  I am, however, completely certain that I have no idea what comprises "normal."  I go to work at my desk job, then I come home and I’m…lost.
  I almost feel like my medicine isn’t working?  I’m going to talk to the doctor about this.  Aside from the ADD, I know I have some kind of avoidance disorder, which is just a bullshit way of saying that I don’t do things that I should sometimes.  I go to great lengths and expend a lot of energy avoiding things until I get completely locked up; it’s a karmic constipation.
  As much of there is of the stuff I want to avoid, there is still so much other stuff that I want to do that I can’t seem to get to because I’m busy avoiding doing other things.
  I don’t have mania, I think.  But I see some hypomania.  That’s a mid-level mania, basically.  It means that even with mental illness I can’t excel. 
  I do know one thing–actually, I know several, but this floated to the top–The hornet’s nest of voices and activity is back in my brain again.  All the voices are me, don’t worry.  But all the bastards are histrionic and just chomping at the bit for my attention.

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