The River Is Wide

August 16, 2010 at 8:50 PM | Posted in Journal | Leave a comment
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…And it’s too hard to cross… 

So many things going on, so much as happened.  I’ve know that when you have time to write about it, there’s nothing happening.  When there is shit going down, you’re too busy dealing with it to write and reflect and ponder and so forth.
To me, that’s why a journal style of personal record keeping is optimum.  A daily diary can’t string together events over a period of time without appearing choppy.  A journal-style (or at least, *my* journal style) lets me tell a story that may have happened over a period of weeks, or months, or years.
Or hours.  Sometimes I get long-winded.
But not tonight, children.  Gather around the radio with your hot chocolate and let me give you several brief synopses.  Ah, where to start…?

The radio show seems to be going well, let’s start there.  We had a rough month, though.  Race was a big topic in the news, and we did a show about it.  It was harsh, and ultimately unairable.  Luckily for us, there were technical difficulties, and it didn’t record anyway.  The following week, we did a better show, and still touched on the subject but in a different way.  That show, too, disappeared into the ether.  Not the ethernet.
Thrice we tried.  This show was better.  It was good.  But–what happened?  The following week, we received word from the studio (in other words, Lou) that due to technical issues, there would be no show.  That was a week ago.  Lou assured us that by the following week, we would be good to go.  I certainly hoped so–
So much had happened in the news, I was chomping at the bit to get my opinion out there, like it matters.   But it was frustrating.  Finally, Saturday, we show up–
And all appears well.  I say “appears” because, although we did record and it did seem to go well, until it’s posted in a couple of days, I’m not taking anything for granted.  But Bill’s show just got posted, so here’s hoping the technical issues are over for now.  This week, Lou should post our last show, and then the most recent one.  He thinks he can recover a majority of the last show we did before the gremlins overtook the machines.
That’s all I have on that, except this:  The show is taking up alot of my creative energy.  I do have some to spare, but not much.  But this is unique for me in many ways.  It’s a collaborative effort (with partner Suzan) and I’m working on something tangible that other people can experience, thanks to Lou and his network.  It gives me drive and focus and a reasonable desire to succeed.  We may never have an audience to speak of–
–and I swear to God, all I want is someone–anyone–to tell me that they’ve listened to the fucking show!  Just tell me that someone is out, there for Chrissake!  Fuck.

Things at Pizzarama are going well.  I work about 3 or 4 nights per week, anywhere from 12 to 15 hours a week.  Just enough to piss me off and not enough to solve my financial problems.  It’s a precarious balance.  I’ll write more about that when I feel like it.

The first week of August, I took a vacation.  Kind of had to–financial industry requirements.  However, I still had to work the night job, and I also worked the Tuesday as an election judge.  Basically, I had a shitty vacation full of unfinished projects and unfulfilled dreams.

I have several friends named Kim.  Of course, there is the one I sleep with, Detroit.  Then there is my life-long friend Bunny.  At the bank I have a new one, whom I shall call…Kimmie.  Nice woman in a trashy kind of way.  The previous week, I was on vacation, and I also had no cell phone, because that’s what happens when you don’t pay the bill.  She wasn’t able to get in touch with me.
Her boyfriend committed suicide.
Christ, I can’t imagine.  But it must be hard.  I feel shitty for not being there that week.  Dammit.  I’m trying to be there for her now.

Speaking of being there, I got cash problems.  I made a decision a few weeks ago, and slowly it solidified for me, and I realize that I have to do it.  But now, I’m okay with it.
I’m going to have to let the Mercedes get repossessed.
No matter what I do, every month I’m in the hole about the amount of that payment.  They charged me too much for it, and then they screwed me on the financing.  If the payment was half of what it is, I would try to manage it.  Hell, it’s been a problem since I got it, which you would know if you were a regular reader of my column here.
I have my truck in the garage, which hasn’t run in about a year and a half.  For less than one payment, I can get Fred running again.  Hell, I should have done that instead of buying the car in the first place.  I think we might have had other plans at the time, but I’m not sure.  Hell.
The plates are up on the Mercedes, and it needs a tune up.  The plates being up means inspections and it also means I need to pay the personal property tax I haven’t paid that was due December 31.  But I’m going to have to pay that to get the truck on the road as well.
The difference is that monthly payment.  That will make me or break me.  As it has already shown, it’s breaking me.  It’s going to fuck my credit, I know.  But I have the house.  I have two houses, actually, and me paying the mortgage affects both of them.  It’s more important to keep the house than it is to keep the car.
This is me, chewing off my arm to get out of this.

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