Friggin Alfredo

October 10, 2011 at 9:41 AM | Posted in Food and drink | Leave a comment
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You know, I thought I had already posted this here, but I guess not. This is my retaliation for all the goddamn blogs out there that every Suzy-fucking-Homemaker puts up and puts all of her recipes on, like we give a shit. I don’t do a lot, but I have about a dozen recipes, and they are good shit. I know my baked potato soup is on here somewhere. I’ll go back and tag it as a recipe. Maybe I’ll add my others at some point, depending on how well behaved you are. This is in the voice of my alternate persona, the Wiseguy Chef. He don’t fuck around. Evah.

Friggin Alfredo

Listen up, punks, ‘cause I finally got this right, so pays attention.  This is my special Alfredo.  You can use fettuccini noodles if you like that shit all over your chin.  Personally, I use the bowtie because I like it fancy crap.  Pay attention.

The amounts work like this:
2 tablespoons a butta
Some garlic clove or what-have-you (in some form), or minced garlic in a jar, or whatever floats your canoe, Skippy.  A couple o’ teaspoons.
1 quart heavy whipping cream
Dill–just shake a lot in there.  If you measure it I’ll come over and kick your ass.  With authority I can say about 2 teaspoons
12 oz provolone cheese — more if you like.  Yeah, the shredded shit.  Are you a dumbass?
Lotsa Romano cheese (or parmesan, or a mix of)-if you want exact figures, call it a quarter cup.  Happy now, bitch?
3 tablespoons o’ sour cream- just do it and shut up.
18 oz of noodles (1 and 1/2 packages of 12 oz noodles, if you can’t do the math, you retard.  Buy 3 boxes, then you can do it twice.)

Okay, in a sauce pan of some sort big enough for a quart of cream, melt some butta.  Add the garlic, or whatever. Low heat, melt the butta and stir the garlic.
Pour in cream, turn up the heat.  Add the dill and don’t walk away from it.  Don’t burn it, don’t let it boil over.  As soon as it starts to boil, turn down heat, pour in Romano or parmesan, and the sour cream.  Turn the heat back on, stir, let it boil again slightly.  Let it boil, turn the heat down, let it simma for a bit.  Not long.  Take it off the heat when it feels right for ya.  It’ll thicken up, like your head.

Remember the noodles?  While all this shit was going on, you shoulda boiled the water and then cooked the noodles.  Don’t over-cook them because we are putting them in the oven.  But they don’t need to be al dente either.  If you don’t know what that means, fuck you.  Cook the noodles, drain, and put the noodles in a friggin casserole dish.  Nine by thirteen?  How the fuck should I know?  It’s about the size of my dick.  Pour da sauce over it, stir it some, and den pour da cheese on top.  Heap it on.  If it looks like you put too much cheese on there, it’s right and you’re wrong.
Then, put that shit in the oven, 350 degrees American for 15 or 20 minutes.  If you want metric, the temperature is fuck you.  Ya want the cheese melted, and you want it a little brown.  If you start the stuff at the same time, the sauce should be done before the noodles, so you can let it stand for bit outta the way whilst you deal with the noodles and what-have-you.  Don’t fuck it up.

Once you master this, you can do some uther stuff.  I’m not big on the mushrooms, but you can do that if you want.  It’s your funeral, asshole.
I’ve cooked up chicken breast and diced them up and added it, and that’s good.  I like broccoli, too.  Obviously you would add it before you add the cheese and bake it.  I’m just guessing here.  Same for the peas and carrots if that floats your boat.  Just don’t fuckin eyeball me.
You know what’s good is steak tips, seasoned and cooked on the grill, and broccoli, and then some of the noodles.  I’m just sayin.

Oh, you know, sometimes I cheat a bit and buy two jars of Alfredo sauce already made.  If you ever tells anyone, I’ll fuckin kill ya.  Is that funny to you?  What, am I funny?  Funny how?  Fuck you, that’s how.  Get the shit heavy on the garlic, if you ax me.  It’s quick and it’s cheap, like your mom.


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