Friggin Alfredo

October 10, 2011 at 9:41 AM | Posted in Food and drink | Leave a comment
Tags: ,

You know, I thought I had already posted this here, but I guess not. This is my retaliation for all the goddamn blogs out there that every Suzy-fucking-Homemaker puts up and puts all of her recipes on, like we give a shit. I don’t do a lot, but I have about a dozen recipes, and they are good shit. I know my baked potato soup is on here somewhere. I’ll go back and tag it as a recipe. Maybe I’ll add my others at some point, depending on how well behaved you are. This is in the voice of my alternate persona, the Wiseguy Chef. He don’t fuck around. Evah.

Friggin Alfredo

Listen up, punks, ‘cause I finally got this right, so pays attention.  This is my special Alfredo.  You can use fettuccini noodles if you like that shit all over your chin.  Personally, I use the bowtie because I like it fancy crap.  Pay attention.

The amounts work like this:
2 tablespoons a butta
Some garlic clove or what-have-you (in some form), or minced garlic in a jar, or whatever floats your canoe, Skippy.  A couple o’ teaspoons.
1 quart heavy whipping cream
Dill–just shake a lot in there.  If you measure it I’ll come over and kick your ass.  With authority I can say about 2 teaspoons
12 oz provolone cheese — more if you like.  Yeah, the shredded shit.  Are you a dumbass?
Lotsa Romano cheese (or parmesan, or a mix of)-if you want exact figures, call it a quarter cup.  Happy now, bitch?
3 tablespoons o’ sour cream- just do it and shut up.
18 oz of noodles (1 and 1/2 packages of 12 oz noodles, if you can’t do the math, you retard.  Buy 3 boxes, then you can do it twice.)

Okay, in a sauce pan of some sort big enough for a quart of cream, melt some butta.  Add the garlic, or whatever. Low heat, melt the butta and stir the garlic.
Pour in cream, turn up the heat.  Add the dill and don’t walk away from it.  Don’t burn it, don’t let it boil over.  As soon as it starts to boil, turn down heat, pour in Romano or parmesan, and the sour cream.  Turn the heat back on, stir, let it boil again slightly.  Let it boil, turn the heat down, let it simma for a bit.  Not long.  Take it off the heat when it feels right for ya.  It’ll thicken up, like your head.

Remember the noodles?  While all this shit was going on, you shoulda boiled the water and then cooked the noodles.  Don’t over-cook them because we are putting them in the oven.  But they don’t need to be al dente either.  If you don’t know what that means, fuck you.  Cook the noodles, drain, and put the noodles in a friggin casserole dish.  Nine by thirteen?  How the fuck should I know?  It’s about the size of my dick.  Pour da sauce over it, stir it some, and den pour da cheese on top.  Heap it on.  If it looks like you put too much cheese on there, it’s right and you’re wrong.
Then, put that shit in the oven, 350 degrees American for 15 or 20 minutes.  If you want metric, the temperature is fuck you.  Ya want the cheese melted, and you want it a little brown.  If you start the stuff at the same time, the sauce should be done before the noodles, so you can let it stand for bit outta the way whilst you deal with the noodles and what-have-you.  Don’t fuck it up.

Once you master this, you can do some uther stuff.  I’m not big on the mushrooms, but you can do that if you want.  It’s your funeral, asshole.
I’ve cooked up chicken breast and diced them up and added it, and that’s good.  I like broccoli, too.  Obviously you would add it before you add the cheese and bake it.  I’m just guessing here.  Same for the peas and carrots if that floats your boat.  Just don’t fuckin eyeball me.
You know what’s good is steak tips, seasoned and cooked on the grill, and broccoli, and then some of the noodles.  I’m just sayin.

Oh, you know, sometimes I cheat a bit and buy two jars of Alfredo sauce already made.  If you ever tells anyone, I’ll fuckin kill ya.  Is that funny to you?  What, am I funny?  Funny how?  Fuck you, that’s how.  Get the shit heavy on the garlic, if you ax me.  It’s quick and it’s cheap, like your mom.

Friggin Alfredo

September 20, 2009 at 3:54 PM | Posted in Food and drink | Leave a comment
Tags: ,
  Listen up, punks, cause I finally got this right, so pays attention.  This is my special Alfredo.  You can use fettuccine noodles if you like that shit all over your chin.  Personally, I use the bowtie noodles because I like it fancy.  Pay attention.

The amounts work like this:
2 tablespoons a butta 
Some garlic clove or what-have-you (in some form) minced garlic in a jar, or whatever floats your canoe, Skippy.  A couple o teaspoons.
1 quart heavy whipping cream
dill–just shake a lot in there.  If you measure it I’ll come over and kick your ass.  But I would guess about a teaspoon or two
12 oz provolone cheese — more if you like
Lotsa Romano cheese (or parmesan, or a mix of)-if you want exact figures, call it a quarter cup.  Happy now, bitch?
3 tablespoons o sour cream- just do it and shut up.
18 oz of noodles (1 and 1/2 packages of 12 oz noodles, if you cant do the math, you retard.  Buy 3 boxes, then you can do it twice.)

Okay, in a sauce pan of some sort big enough for a quart of cream, melt some butta.  Add the garlic, or whatever. Low heat, melt the butta and stir the garlic.
Pour in cream, turn up the heat.  Add the dill and don’t walk away from it.  Don’t burn it, don’t let it boil over.  As soon as it starts to boil, turn down heat, pour in Romano or Parmesan and the sour cream.  Turn the heat back on, stir, let it boil again slightly.  Let it boil, turn the heat down, let it simma for a bit.  Not long.  

Turn it off, let it stand.  It’ll thicken up, like your head.

Remember the noodles?  While all this shit was going on, you shoulda boiled the water and then cooked the noodles.  Don’t over-cook them because we are putting them in the oven.  But they don’t need to be al dente either.  If you don’t know what that means, fuck you.  Cook the noodles, drain, and put the noodles in a friggin casserole dish.  Pour da sauce over it, stir it some, and den pour da cheese on it.  Heap it on. 
Then, put that shit in the oven, 350 degrees American for 15 or 20 minutes.  Ya want the cheese melted, and you want it a little brown.  If you start the stuff at the same time, the sauce should be done before the noodles, so you can let it stand for bit outta the way whilst you deal with the noodles and what-have-you.  Don’t fuck it up.

Once you master this, you can do some uther stuff.  I’m not big on the mushrooms, but you can do that if you want.  It’s your funeral, asshole.
I’ve cooked up chicken breast and diced them up and added it, and that’s good.  I like broccoli, too.  I guess you would add it before you add the cheese and bake it.  I’m just guessing here.  Same for the peas and carrots if that floats your boat.  Just don’t fuckin eyeball me.
You know what’s good is steak tips, seasoned and cooked on the grill, and broccoli, and have that on the side with some of the noodles.  I’m just sayin.

Baked Potato Soup

September 11, 2007 at 4:32 PM | Posted in Food and drink | 1 Comment
Tags: ,
Ah, look, you know–The other entry…..I do mean it, but take it in the vein in which it is offered.  Of course, it’s up to you to figure out what that is.  I’m not here to baby sit your ass.  On to other matters:
Baked Potato Soup

I was never a big fan of soup before.. .until I tried baked potato soup at a restaurant a few years ago.  Since then, I’ve wanted to make it on my own, make it good.  Make the best.
Many of the women I work with here in the office are great cooks, so I talked to them, and I also looked at recipes online.  I took what I liked from about 9 different recipes, then worked it, tweaked it, messed it up, kept trying–
And this is what I got.  I think this is the version I’m going to stick with.
A note about the portions:  Yeah, this does make a lot of soup.  It’s supposed to.  You’re supposed to make enough soup to have a meal one night, left overs for a couple of nights, and bring some in to work to have people try, so you can gloat and lord it over them.  Otherwise, where’s the fun?  Geez?  After about 5 days, you probably want to throw out whatever is left.  If it’s good, there won’t be any left.  That’s how you tell.
Alot of these creamy soup recipes start with boiling milk, but after scorching the bottom of the pot a couple of times, I said piss on it.
Remembering some of the noodle packages I like, they say boil milk AND water.  That’ll keep it from scorching.  Now I’m cooking with gas.  Really.

Of course, this didn’t keep me from scorching the butter in the bottom of the pan.  I just walked away to go to bathroom, I swear!  I come back, and the kitchen is full of smoke!  Luckily, I had taken the battery out of the smoke detector.  I turned the fan on, started getting the smoke sucked out.  Detroit came in, coughed and gagged, and opened a window.  She is smart.
So, I cleaned the pot out, started over.  I brought baked potatoes home the night before from the restaurant–we save alot of them to make potato skins with, but for the most part, we just throw them out.
So, while I had the butter melting on LOW heat, I pulled out the other stuff and got started.  I cut the potatoes in half, and then used an ice cream scoop to gut them.
The potato flakes thicken the sauce better than adding the cheeese and sour cream of previous incarnations, with fewer calories.  So go ahead and add them as a topping.
 
INGREDIENTS:
1 stick of real butter
6 cups of water
1 pint of half and half
1 can of chicken stock
12 large baked potatoes  
1 cup of instant potatoes
2 teaspoon garlic salt
2 teaspoon ground black pepper
1 teaspoon onion powder
1 teaspoon basil
2 teaspoon dill weed
I’m a gonna do some modding here on the recipe.  Add either two more cups of water, or another can of chicken stock, and cut the potato flakes down to 1/2 a cup.  And cut the black pepper down to 1 teaspoon, or 1 1/2 at the most.  What happens is, it gets too thick, and it’s no longer soup.  Also, after the first day, the pepper really comes out, like enough to make your forehead sweat. 
————————————————-
DIRECTIONS:
Note:  Make sure you use baked potatoes.  You can bake them the day before, even, and refrigerate them.  Easier to scoop than a hot baked potato–I’m not big on the pain.
When I bake them, it is usually wrapped in foil at 425 for 45 minutes to an hour.  When they soften up–when you can squeeze them and they give a little–they are done.  Don’t overthink it.  These are just potatoes.

In a stock pot or Dutch oven, melt the butter over high heat. Then, after you scorch the pan and burn the butter, clean it out and start over, and melt the butter on low heat.  Add water, chicken stock, and half and half.  Bring to boil.  While waiting for it to boil, cut potatoes in half, scoop out in chunks, place in a bowl. 
NOTE:  Attack the bowl with a knife, cutting the potatoes into small pieces.
When water, stock, and dairy begin to boil, add potatoes and spices.  I generally let it come to a boil on low heat, so I have time to gut the bakers.  Stir occasionally until it boils again, then add potato flakes, mix.  Make sure you pour way more than a cup of potato flakes into the measuring cup, so it overflows and goes all over the counter.  Just leave it there, so your girlfriend can clean it up later.  You’ve been doing the cooking, and she feels left out, so leave some cleaning for her.  She’ll appreciate it.  Trust me.  Reduce heat, and simmer 20 minutes. Remove from heat.  Top with choice of cheese, sour cream, bacon bits, and chives, and serve.
I had originally used sour cream and cheese to thicken the sauce, without much success.  I read a few other recipes, and one of them mentioned the potato flakes, and a light just went off.  This thickens up nicely, without adding calories or fat–so go ahead and add as much as you want as a topping.  
By the way, I think the dill really makes it.

Blog at WordPress.com.
Entries and comments feeds.